24 Oct 2014 Leave a comment
24 Oct 2014 Leave a comment
A friend called me and wanted to talk. I had voiced my concern at his way of diverting himself while he was driving: he has a screen with a “slide-show” of photos from his childhood. He told me that his car had a radar that tells it if objects are in its way, it will react appropriately. We talked for a long time, I listened very carefully to him, and also pointed out the places that made me anxious to listen. After having voiced my deep worry several times, and also truly listened to him, something shifted between us. The atmosphere turned more spacious and light, and he explained how he looked at the moving photos on the dashboard to help him stay awake on the long straight drives on the highway. These are stretches where accidents often happen: people fall asleep from the monotony.
I was starting to see the great metaphor of driving our car/our individual self/ through life with our eyes on the road and the traffic around us – paying attention – and how as a writer, I am writing my manuscript with fear or diversions or with kindness and flow. I recognized how often I “fall asleep” – no longer in contact with the landscape and traffic around me, instead looking at images from the past to keep me “interested” in the never ending story of a separate“me” who always need diversion – speeding up – taking chances – adrenaline – so afraid of just being or driving straight ahead. Feel free to drive by me here if this bores you, just give a honk as you pass and we will wave to each other and hopefully smile.
So we talked, and I listened with curiosity to how the both of us, instead of fighting for our perception to be the only valid one, slowly found our places in the driving parallel files – and suddenly he gasped and started to cry.
A big space of compassion opened up around us, and he started to share a story of great fear and control in his childhood, and now seeing that he had a choice to be present in other ways than taking risks on the freeway. The energy shift between us was palpable – all that exhaust and fumes and vrooming from the cars melted and there was only a sunlit load that led right into the Sun itself – or whatever we choose to call that truth where things are really simple.
Thank you all for driving with me
16 Oct 2014 1 Comment
My old cellphone has refused to be charged the last week. I decided I needed a new one, and bought on. When I came home, its battery was almost empty, so I charged it – and it did not work.
Well – this sounded very much like a teaching: the outer mirroring the inner.
I tried to charge it i n the entrance, the kitchen, the living room – no luck.
Then I sensed a strong urge to go REST and unplug and allow God’s love to charge me.
I laid down in my bed, and felt irritable and bored for a while – and then, something gave way and a sweetness was felt. I was just allowing myself to be receptive of God’s love, stopping to look for results – just committing to laying there for a while.
While I did that, I had put my new phone on charge in the sleeping-room socket.
And it worked -laughing out loud!
So then I tried to charge the old phone too – and when I looked at it one hour later, it was green,fully loaded
So – there was simply just one thing to do: committing to giving myself this rest-time and let the results be what they are.
Going to bed that night, I again renewed my willingness to receive, and felt the warmth in my upper body.
In the night, I was aware of that demi-sleep-state – I knew I was in my bed, and at the same time, I was fully open to the dream state. Then – a presence of Somebody in my bed behind me. A warm hand was gently gently coming closer until it cradled my cheek with such care and tenderness that I completely received it without freaking out
13 Oct 2014 2 Comments
in A Course in Miracles blog, Art and consciousness, Healing, Now, Poetry, Presence Tags: babies, baby, balloons, beauty, Bird, Christed Self, Corfe Castle, costumes, dancer, Dervishes, fear.stories, little Leelahfather, mobile, mother, Origami, parents, pelvis, poetry, Presence, props, puppet, simplicity, snake, Spirit, toddlers, whirling, wind, Yurt
Saturday was all magical.
I visited a dance-performance for toddlers. We entered a white silk Yurt. Seven parents with eight babies about one year old – a happy 3 year old boy – and me. We sat on the floor at the walls of the Yurt, and in our center was a white feathered bird/angel-like girl who with great presence delicately danced and moved and wordlessly related to the children- and lots of red balloons. She moved with complete presence – delicate slow movements. The babies connected with her and each other.
The dancer played with tiny glass rods in mobiles, their delicate clanking sounds made the babies first look wide eyed and then smiling. At one point, the dancer stepped into what looked like a bird nest of Origami triangles made by many colored silk. She pulled it up – now it looked like a moving pyramid-dress – and then she started to whirl like a dervish.
A strong wind arose in our room, and suddenly all the red balloons lifted and danced
I can’t really share the beauty, poetry and magic about it – but we all felt it and connected on a deep level, and time and space disappeared in pure bliss
At no time – it lasted about 30 minutes – did any baby make a sound – there was one who repeatedly crawled out, was fetched by his mother and at the end was in rapture as the rest
The dancer also played with a big bird-puppet – man-size – became the bird, and played with the babies. At the end, she fell asleep, sitting, and we all tiptoed out not to wake her up
At the door, I asked a smiling lady who had made this wonder of a performance and who had made those amazing props and costumes. “It is me” she beamed – “Oh, are you a theater-person?” I said I was, and started to share about my bliss and gratefulness that some people made creations like this – serving presence, beauty and poetry. I found myself taking her hand and kissing it, she looked at me with tears and gave me a warm hug.
Then a tall beautiful man was standing there – it was her husband, and the composer. We shared about our love for simplicity and presence and poetry, In that moment, my late theater-husband’s spirit was present, I felt his gratitude at the performance and the work – and the husband took a step toward me and embraced me
This text below -in blue – has disappeared two times while writing it. Now I write it for the third time. Thank you God for my determination.
In bed same night, I go into the pelvis again as a teacher has recommended, to find the blocks in the two lower chakras and just BE with them. I find my little Leelah there, and also a huge black snake. She points to it and her eyes are crossed in fear.
I look at it. In a big rush of release and gratitude, I tell her: “Sweetie – it is just a big black balloon!” She instantly becomes present. “Who blew that up?” I asked – she answered dreamingly, “I did – “
“Yes you did honey – and so, the only thing that powers that snake is your own breath and your belief that it has power over you”
She is completely motionless. Gradually her eyes come alive. She looks at me – “I made this up to scare myself and keep myself from doing the bad things all the men told me that I did.”
An awesome smiling Presence is around us. I ask her if she would like to let the air out of that balloon – to allow the fear-image to just … deflate?
She finds something sharp and sticks it into the very tip of the snake. She is not strong enough. I find a sledge and hammer the sharp thing into the rubber – and whhoossh, the punctured snake is catapulted in the air, doing the spastic dance we all know that balloons make when we pull their plug.
It sinks to the ground – a pitiful black rubber skin.
And now we discover the plug – it was there, all the time.
She looks at me right in the eyes now. ” I decided this , Mum. I don’t want to be scared any longer.”
I feel the deep release in my body. Fear has been punctured, seen to be self made.
I see Jesus taking her on his lap, putting his arms around her, and I go to sleep. For the first time in 25 years I have a good night’s sleep: I meet my father in our shared Christed Self, all stories have fallen away – punctured. I notice that next to our house there is a large enclosed area: a beautiful church is there. Its energy reminds me of Corfe Castle in Dorset
Before I fall into deep restful sleep, it dawns on me that that white Yurt is such a great image and symbol of a healed root-chakra: the parents and the babies, held and nurtured, bathing in the safety of the white yurt, with playful red balloons and a birdlike messenger from Heaven
Sunday October 12
Sunday, in the morning, I dosed off, and when I awoke, the old agony was there. As usual. I heard “get up” and I would not listen: I was utterly convinced that only sleep could make it better. I was wrong
Sitting with the little Child in the morning, again going into my pelvis and the two lower chakras, I saw an image of a child bursting up from deep down in the sea, gasping for air – oh my God, the agonized feeling in the morning is just Child’s constant companion – “I am drowning – I am going under – and nobody cares.”
I talk to her – reminding her that I am with her in this. After a while, a feeling of death arises – a place where nothing moves or lives, desolated, isolated . At first, I sense irritation – and then, seeped in Grace, it is clear that this is the outskirts of Loneliness – the deepest feeling in the specter of separation.
I feel a surge of release and gratefulness: we have found the outskirts of it, now is the time to dive in.
And we dive.
It is intensely visceral. First the nothingness – the stifled never -voiced cries for help – the hopelessness – the toxic ice needles throughout the body – the fear of being suffocated by violent men’s too big penises – the girl realizes that she does not die, since she is aware of it all – she is what can not die – at this point everything flows easy, and no more dissociation.She hears:
What do you want?
I don’t want this!
SAY IT AGAIN
And there is her voice and her will -!
I – adult Leelah – sense it with all my body: this is my will and I mean it.
Now comes the hatred and rage, like a volcano from her: “I want to shove this penis down God’s throat so he experiences what he wanted me to experience.” Her language is crystal clear, her hatred and violence as well – as well as the details. The venom pours out, all the thoughts and images are just experienced and allowed = forgiven – and suddenly we sense that there is radiant clear light around us
Like awakening from a nightmare.
I knew about this hatred and fear of God intellectually – the Course really drives that in – but this was experience. Now I test-drove my new racing car!
She tells me that she needs to rest now, and Jesus sits down with her and they are playing a game with glass pearls.
Thank you Holy Spirit for the clear demonstration that the hatred and violence comes from one false thought in the mind: that God is a cruel God who sees us as sinful and guilty and subjects his children to unnameable cruelness and punishment.
The victim and perpetrator are forever two sides of the same coin: the belief in separation – and separation is happening each moment I believe that I am anything else than the Light and Love He has created me to be.
This Light of Awareness is Who I Am
29 Sep 2014 Leave a comment
Jesus is telling me to go watch a movie. It is playing in the early afternoon, it is a small auditorium with 7 rows.
The movie is about a young man with a painful relationship to a distant father, and he has decided to hike in the mountains in the weekend to think about what he wants to do with his relationship with his wife and son, whom he himself is distant to.
I am sitting in the far back in the movie-theater, reading a magazine before the movie starts, when I notice that suddenly a man sits in front of me. I did not notice him coming in at all. he is just there – like popped up from nothingness.
The nervous system immediately goes into alarm.Here is what I have feared so many times – alone in a movie-theater with a strange man who may attack and rape me.
Simultaneously with these thoughts, I hear faintly Jesus reminding me that these are stories, why not choose to remain, and instead of spinning out the old familiar disaster stories, just make a silent decree:” You are a child of God. I am a child of God. I declare that there has never been anything between us that Christed Love.”
My heart calms down and I decide to stay.
We hear the main role’s thoughts as voice-over all through the movie: the stories he spins out and believes in. We also see him masturbate twice- nothing left to imagination – and the second time he masturbates to a porn-clip on his IPhone. Very graphic images and sounds.
I am watching this together with a man I have never seen ,we are alone in a room. There is definitely terror going on inside – and at the same time, the impulse to not run.
The man is completely silent, makes not a move during the whole movie.
When the final texts come up, I swift as a lightening collect my clothes and walk fast out of the room, without looking at him.
It is in the middle of the night the same day that I hear Jesus:
“I placed him there. -This is the sign that your old fantasies have been forgiven and healed, my love. He was just sitting still the whole time, in peace. Not behind you, controlling you. Not beside you, pesting you. Not turning around, checking you out. Just RIGHT in front of you – a step lower that you: YOU were in control.”
There are rushes of light pouring into me and through. I am done with these stories.
Thank you, Holy Spirit
24 Sep 2014 Leave a comment
in Blog Awards
Adding this beauty to Miriam Louisa’s post. Liv Ullman uses it in her last movie. Miss Julie - go watch!
Originally posted on echoes from emptiness:
One of the most prevalent and persistent myths swirling around the concept of awakening, is that those who have been obliterated by the irreversible EUREKA are instantly and henceforth rendered exempt from all the trials of the flesh that plague “the unenlightened”.
The mind loves to employ this fantasy to critique even the sagest of sages. (“How could someone like a Krishnamurti or a Ramana become a victim of cancer?”) But more sneakily, it turns its scorn upon one’s own delicate understanding.
It loves to hold up one’s (so-called) unattractive qualities – one’s addictions, physical ailments and emotional irruptions as proof that one hasn’t understood anything of import. Really.
What sport it is to watch and listen to this chattering, taunting, would-be bully. For a while you return the volleys. But it doesn’t take long to realise it’s a game without end and you grow bored – you know the score already.
So you serve your Ace straight…
View original 58 more words
22 Sep 2014 Leave a comment
in A Course in Miracles blog, Art and consciousness Tags: bodies, chaos, decisions, deepenings, fear, God, John Mark Stroud, joy, Leelah.One Mind, passive aggression, punish, release, the roots of pain, The Way of Mastery, toxicity
The teachings are so exquisite lined up for me. Not so pleasurable in the middle of it though-
At the writer-forum, I made a decision that spurred an unbelievable chaos and confusion, and which was judged by many – and also supported by others, who messaged me: “I am with you to the end.” I used the toxic comments to see how they mirrored toxic beliefs in the mind – one about “passive aggression” struck a chord :) I sure have judged my aggression – I saw that I had even connected it to being killed, if I let it out. I decided that enough is enough – I would much rather be straight and real than “nice.” Making that decision gave a felt sense of peace and smiles.
In the night, listening to John Mark Stroud’s “deepenings” of The Way of Mastery, lesson 11 a, Jeshua talked about the importance of finding the roots of our affliction, and I prayed to find the roots to the chaos, fear and toxicity I was experiencing. I was taken down to a decision to want to be punished for “my” guilt – it felt like I carried the world’s guilt on my shoulders, and it felt very convincing. I was shown that I had created a dark being to scare me and “punish” me – and was helped to see that this was my creation – so it was mine to uncreate. Not Leelah-mine – it was created by the One Mind behind time and space as a way to separate from God, to truly explore all the feelings that were a consequence of that decision. ” Do you still value exploring them?” asked Love, and no. I truly don’t. It felt like I had found the root of it, and allowed it to be uprooted.
There was also a clear insight of the unreality of this “me” – this Leelah. These feelings and experiences do not belong to personalities or “separate” beings – they come through us to be played out, to be experienced, and ultimately, to be released.We are not limited bodies, we are the Loving Space the bodies float in.
Just sharing this here brings a delicate release and joy
I then had a dream where a powerful wizard like man with a disgusting way of sexual innuendo made passes, and my anger erupted like a fire storm. I woke up, and decided I want to be real and not hide it behind nice: I now know who I am, and Who loves me and supports me – and that They come when I call on them.
And then Love gave me this hilarious sign and symbol on the bus-station:
This is a doggy bag. In pretty pink. It’s not inside the littler box, but on top of it – right in front of me, not to be overlooked. And there’s a big hole in it: the shit is out now:)
No more inside pink sweetness
I giggled all the way to town
10 Sep 2014 Leave a comment
Morning in bed
There it is: the unmistakably sensations of evil in my mind. A split second “oh no not again” – then crystal clear: “And it has nothing to do with me.”
Now there are two fields to observe: a good one and a bad one
And there is The Big Embracing One, Who says, “Come Home children, the day is over, you have played and now it is time to rest. Come home darlings.”
I recognize that all the time “I” am drawn into reading about war and terror and head chopping and abuse – it is “the bad one’s” choice.
I have truly identified with it throughout incarnations: everything I resist, has to do with “me” = the separated identity – and so I have told myself that it has value and is real and must be protected in my mind
I am lying in bed and truly exploring if this IS valuable to keep
“What you see are appearances only. Behind the appearances are souls who ask you to see the Christ in them instead. Remember – it is only your own projected images you see. They belong to the world – a place where good and evil can play out and be experienced- and as you just wrote above, after the play comes the rest – and also the choice to play WITH God instead of on your own.”
From my window I look down on a playground. Right now, there is a father standing there, looking at his two little children in a slide. His bodily position exudes boredom and irritation and separation from play – he signals “ I don’t know who I am in this setting.”
I bless him and embrace him/this projected part of me/ and sense great love doing it. He goes over to the slide and slowly start interacting with them. His position is not so rigid any longer. I realize that anybody reading it may well think I have gone mad, thinking that my choice for love can influence the world around me – and that I am just making all this up. You are of course free to believe or not believe anything I write – please feel free to dismiss anything that does not resonate with your heart. I am just sharing how my world changes when I DO accept teachings like A Course in Miracles – this is what this blog is about.
Looking up again at the father and his children now:
They are running! Oh my – they are running in the grass and laughing
I feel so very very happy
10 Sep 2014 Leave a comment
I do not do anything – Christ does it through me
Yesterday, both bus drivers were volatile and very out of balance. “Leave this bus, he is not safe” said the ego, and I considered it until I recognized that if God is with me, then I am safe. And He is – how could He not be – He is what I Am. So I stated my intention to see him in his truth, and remembered my truth – I am the light of the world, and I am here to shine that light. Just like you, bus-driver – the only difference is that you have momentarily forgotten – oh yes, that time-aspect
I sense this terrible fear and pressure he is driven by -and his natural misperception that he is what he is feeling. I remind myself that his misperception is my misperception, and forgive myself.
He now has started to smile to the oncoming passengers, and still drive erratically – stopping about 20 meter beyond each bus stop. Oh what a pressure, what a drive this is. Well – now I have given this over to God, and I relax- and still must admit I breathe relieved when I exit the bus.
The bus driver on my bus home is one I really like. This is the time of day where high-school teenagers swarm the bus after school has ended, and the bus is already very full. When the bus stops outside the school, he stands up ( I sit 2 meters away from him) turns toward the people in the bus and screams ” go back! Retreat!” No movement, and he yells, terror shining in his eyes “GO BACK! PLEASE!” I realize that this is a fear that I am projecting ON him. I feel great warmth inside as I realize that this is just a projection, all is well, and I find myself being smiled with. Christ is smiling me. I intend for him to look at me in his mirror. He does, and the smile hits him right in his Christ and he returns the smile.
From that moment and until I exit 15 minutes later, that smile stays on his face. He talks calmly to the next horde of teenagers on the next stop outside their school and tell them that it is not safe to take more passengers on. They nod and accept,just as calmly.
It is a miracle of beauty to witness Christ enlivening him. His movements, his face, his radiance. He calls and ask for replacement, he is taking care of himself.
This Christ-smile is ours to give – as soon as I accept that we are worthy of it