Mask or no masks

This morning I had a dream:

My sister – 84 – called my new cellphone, and i could not find out how to answer the call – how to operate my new phone. I slide the ruler from left to right, it does not take. I  feel stressed out when i suddenly spot a  little metal thingy that one can slide towards the right – and there’s the connection! I just had to take a new track to connect …I listen to her voice, and she is coming from her true Self. Wise,loving,patient,compassionate…I never met this sister before, I am thrilled!

When I wake up, I know that when we meet today I want to be straight about what kind of communication that does not work for me any longer.

At the bus to town, I start to feel the old usual doomsday-energy. Blue tells me to breathe into it, open it up and allow it to go – and he adds one important part:You don’t have to do the releasing part – all I need, is your little willingness, and your willingness to breathe and let go. You don’t need to believe that it works either :)” and it is the last part of the sentence that sets me free today: I realize that before i have always believed that I needed to have a proof that release had happened right away. Today, I just relax and trust him. I need do nothing.

My sister and I meet, and I tell her what I want re our communication, and it feels AWESOME.  There’s no fear at all present. The energy I am in when this happens changes my sister’s communication too. We are in my favorite coffee-shop, and I find myself going silly to the owner behind the counter – telling him that the last stamp on my coffee-card is not visible enough. I will surely miss the next free coffee because of it I say, and we fall into a gigglespell that ends with him stamping me one extra stamp. The energy around this communication is hilariously free and giggly, and completely out of habit for me.

Then I visit a Hamlet-production where all the players wear Hamlet’s mask as their mask…everybody is an outer projection of our inner forgiven “parts” – and what a strong moment it is when Hamlet – who is played by a woman – does the “be or not to be” monologue with her own mask in her hand, instead of a scull. Symbol not to be missed:)

 

 

Our human desperation

To any reader…I am amazed that you hang in there, after so much tales of woe and lament…thank you! This blog is a spiritual and disciplinary practice for me – to just document the movement in a psyche that has been, and still is to some extent, been strongly split from a very young age – and how Love and A Course in Miracles-teaching are gently guiding back to my Self.

Any non-gently process comes from my judging what is presented to me to work with, to sit with, to be with, to just accept as such. This night was ALL filled with desperation. At about 5:30 I started to hear Blue’s voice, nudging me gently to see that this was the degree of desperation I had all the time as a child – and successfully denied and repressed – and this morning, when I heard His words, I also heard him mention that this desperation is the very refrain in the Sonship who still has not woken up.

“It is the desperation of the confused individual using psychological and spiritual means to BECOME awake and enlightened – all that striving, telling yourself that you are NOT as God created you. All that is required is resting AS the perfect Christ Self you are – any “trying” is just cementing the false identity. Remember -” and here was a big smile  in the voice – “you need do nothing.”

I started to giggle, and was in that moment able to BE WITH all that desperation as it raged through the body. It was just a memory, now I could receive it and embrace it as a common predicament that brought me closer to the human race.

And for the first time I truly embraced and welcomed all that desperation-energy

 

Resting

This night felt like one big blessing. There was resting and not much sleep, but it felt like a dark spell had lifted – I felt safe.

After having slept for a while, I awoke as something very unpleasant arose. “Are you ready?” I heard, and I was – and I spent long time breathing and being with a huge load of toxicity releasing itself. There was NO identification with it at all – again a sign that there had been a break in the dark connection.

I want this to last. I want to feel this freedom each time I go to bed from now on – the simplicity of resting in my body and energy, and being the Loving Self embracing it all.

Seeing through the abuse-archetype

Some days ago I had a strong healing session with Kelle. The same night,Lisa Natoli told me in a group-call that I need to stop telling myself the story that I am sleepless through the last 26 years and that nothing has changed that. She pointed to our Godgiven power that what we say is true becomes true for us. And I DO believe that!

So I listened to our taped conversation in bed and stated my willingness to tell a new story. I told myself I slept like a baby and awoke fresh and vibrant. That night and next morning felt like before – but I still stated to myself that I slept like a baby, and in the night I got the clear impulse to just disregard all fear-and-gloom-thoughts. When they came, I chose to just resting in what felt GOOD in the body – or an inner beautiful image. This went very well for hours. And the next night – this last one – I was aware that I really was willing to drop the thought that “nothing helps for good.” I looked at it and it had lost its charge.

It all came out of my CHOICE to tell myself another story

And this night I slept better – and I had a dream which turned out to have immense healing properties.

My daughter – in the dream a child about 9-10 – told me that her cousin had a man visiting, and he was scary and disgusting. Dream-Leelah told her with flat denial-voice that she should not occupy herself with such things – “it will be all right” – and my daughter looked at me with utter hopelessness.

Awake, I realized that my reaction was an internalization of how MY mother had reacted when I told her similar stories. I sensed the disgust in my body now- how horrible this man’s energy was – and I sensed my inner child’s belief that this energy was impossible to get rid of. In a lightening I realized, here is the reason for the sleeplessness: I have an experience of this kind of energy in my body – and that I can’t get rid of it. That is too horrible to live with. I can deny and suppress it in the day – but when I sleep and am unconscious, it comes back as something that I identify as MINE.

I was right in my insistence that nothing until now would ever help this: the only thing that will help is my full acknowledge  and forgiveness of this energy. I am the source of it, by choosing the ego-thought system of separation, and I can forgive my choice and choose again: now to just REST with the energy – dropping any labels of me and mine and horrible and disgusting – the whole false identification – habit.

I do a Jungian method of returning to the dream with my daughter in a new and loving version: we look together at the man with the disgusting aura: it is clear to me that this is a person who only feels alive when he can troll little children to him and abuse them and make THEM feel small and guilty and disgusting, so he does not have to – for a little while at least. He is clearly projecting his misery outside of himself – and he is doomed to repeat it forever until somebody sees his true Self and mirrors it back to him.

I remember what happened with the out-stressed bus driver – and the instant peace and joy my seeing his essence created in him.

This creation happened in the mind and there is where the healing exists too: looking beyond the disgusting appearances of his acts and looks, wanting only to see Christ in him.

I KNOW it is there – and it is. His mask of “disgusting child molester” slides off – underneath is a devastated little boy who has been seen in love. My daughter sees this too, and all fear disappears as appearances melt. There is a clear connection between his mind and our mind: TRUTH.

The melting of tensions in this body is indescribably beautiful. This energy is not seen as “mine” anymore – and neither are the tensions “mine.” Just a story believed in – and now released in Love

 

 

 

 

 

Worth

I remember a time , maybe 25 years ago, where my brother, his son and my daughter were going in a little motorboat to the nearest town, and my brother started to yell at his son in a way that took all his worth away. Today I recognize that what happened was nothing else than an outpouring of my brother’s internalization of the treatment that his stepfather – my father – gave him, all the time while growing up. It was just an inner tape in him which he now directed at HIS son. The sins of the fathers…

It was a cry for love – and I knew it in my heart then too, but did not see the larger image: just a projection of what my brother had received: “you are not worth a shit and you need to pull yourself together or else!”

No doubt my father had received this message too. And his father -

I also see the perverted love underneath it: “this is the only way I have learned to try to make you safe – to behave like society expects of a man. No room for vulnerability in boys or men!

But the son interprets it as if HE IS WRONG and unlovable. And must compensate for it by being clever and perfect and unfeeling

I remember my daughter as 10 year old telling me in a letter how intensely afraid she was of my anger – and the person I turned into then. At first I did not understand what she meant – so hidden was it to myself. What a wake -up call it was!

We simply have to own it in ourselves – see the innocence of its source: just a false assumption of unworthiness, given us from someone who thinks they are unworthy – just an unending string of beliefs in our ancestral line.

But a lie is a lie – however long it is protected: our worth is give us by our Creator, who creates like Itself

This is no longer our destiny: it has been broken. I allow myself to be the one in our ancestral line who has broken it. I have seen it, my daughter has seen it – it has been forgiven and healed. Well done, Leelah!

The muscle spasms on the right side of the face releases.

Remembering again what Jesus teaches in “The Way of the Heart” – we have chosen everything we experience, in order to learn how to relate to it: with fear or with Love. How other people treat you is their path – how you respond to them is yours.

I see now that what I have seen in my family as small insignificant glimpses of connection in this understanding, is in reality a VAST space of insight that melts the illusion of separated beings. We flicker in and out of it – and whatever calamities that seems to happen has not a chance in hell to change Who we are, and our inherent worth given us by God.

 

Hush little baby, don’t you cry
You know your mama was born to die
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

The river of Jordan is muddy and cold
Well it chills the body but not the soul
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

I’ve got a little book with pages three
And every page spells liberty
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

Too late, my brothers
Too late, but never mind
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

If living were a thing that money could buy
Then the rich would live and the poor would die
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

There grows a tree in Paradise
And the pilgrims call it the Tree of Life
All my trials, Lord, soon be over

Too late, my brothers
Too late, but never mind
All my trials, Lord, soon be over
All my trials, Lord, soon be over
Read more: Joan Baez – All My Trials, Lord Lyrics | MetroLyrics

 

 

 

 

 

The Sweet Embrace

Today, beloved Kit and I discovered that all that murderous rage needs – in order to be healed, is someOne who rests in a sweet smile, knowing What is Truth and eternal

The watchdog of our mind is very tired – it now trusts that there is something else who takes over and knows how to deal with it.

The last week I have experienced that whatever dark energy comes up to be released – or related to – also comes within the sweetest embrace of Christ – the Self. So when it comes, I quickly put my attention inside the sweetness. Not “healing” anything – not “saving” anything or anybody – not “sending love” to anything – just resting inside that Sweetness. And what happens then, is that I become aware that I Am That.

The sweetness of not “oughting to DO something” is indescribable.

*

We have to open the door, letting the fresh wind in

and it is not offended -

it just blows

things fall on the floor, are blown around

stuff goes out the window

there is laughter

there goes the costly Ming

PLING

oh, the doilies -

what foilies

 

what is left?

just a smile

 

Shift

Deep realization:

There is a knowing that below the frantic stressful energy, there is a stream of wellbeing, of welcome, embrace. I sense both at the same time.

I am blessed

Next day: this is a shift in patterns.

I awoke with a crazy energy in my bladder and heart. The same old dark energy . and I found myself saying: “get thee behind me, satan!” There was an immediate feeling of release and peace. This scared me – to believe that there is a “satan.” I was shown that “satan” is just a thought, believed in – the thought that I CAN be trapped in this energy and have it be stronger than “me.” Then that becomes my reality. I am using the power that God has given me to create.And if I believe that there is something that is stronger/more powerful than Love and Christ – and try to prove it with being a victim of this dense and trapped energy – that becomes my reality.

Now comes the shift

There is a rock-solid voice inside saying, smiling, “how CAN this be possible!” It is incredulous. “How CAN there be anything more powerful than Christ in you.” I allow myself to feel fully the energetic imprint of this Voice. It is anchoring my two lower chakras – and  for the first time ever, it seems. This body-part is no longer seen as a container for fear: truth abides there. It is plainly ridiculous to believe in a God who can be overpowered by darkness – there is no value at all in that thought.

The shift has happened.

If/when these energies come back, let them – they cannot harm me any longer. I am this rockbottomsolid Presence and Anchor, knowing I am the Source of this – it is coming up to be released – just energy, no stories, no evil-label.

The Christ is seen now: It can not be affected.

However strong the seeming attack, I know Who I am in Christ

Begging at the Bridge

I had a Skype session yesterday with a healer who saw a part of me that felt not worthy and not deserving of all the help I have from angels and guides and masters. I set an intention to find it and I did: I was seeing the image of a Rumanian woman who begs in our little town. There are four “beggars” there – the three others just sit there with their papercups, but this woman stretches her arms out after us, speaks in Rumanian, rubs her fingers together and my stomach crawls. Last time she did it, I indulged in showing her my disgust, turned back at her and frowned, and her face was contorting in disgust at me.

The energetic response in the body was hatred, anger and a huge feeling of toxicity. Now I lay in bed in the morning and felt literally sick to my stomach at the thought of having to pass this woman next time on my way to the Mall – when I heard Blue say the word “ not worthy.”

Ah! Freedom: she is a mirror. She does something I have judged tremendously: beg for help to live, to be seen and acknowledged as somebody who needs help. Completely dependent on peoples’ willingness to give her money – or care.

In this moment, gratitude flows through me: all judgment melts. I take my little inner child in my arms and allow her to scream for help. There is a big need to be seen in her worth - not because of any talents she has, just as she IS. I watch the tremendous meaning I have given to my talents – and the need to feel valuable and worthy by being a “good girl” who sees others as deserving, but who pales at the idea to acknowledge her own God given value.

I speak to the begging woman inside and ask for help to see her innocence. Michael is helping me, asking me to bless her in her true Self. Again I sense the strong waves of disgust and toxicity, the strong self-hatred, and also hatred at the “rich” people around her who seems to hate her – and I so own my own hatred at the people I saw around me who I believed all knew what was happening to me but couldn’t care less because I really was not worth caring about.

At this point, I realized that I was inside an archetype, and the cause of this was a thought in the One Mind that it was a good experiment to separate from God.

No wonder the “no worth” -identity is one of ego’s most cherished corner stones.

I prayed to Holy Spirit to replace my false perception of myself – and the “ beggar” – with His perception: all Love and Loved forever.

Now I see the sweet mirror: the Mall may symbolize abundance and Self . There is a bridge between me and Self – and to truly cross it, I must learn to not judge my response to the two beggars there : there is my classroom. Forgiving the idea of man of no value, and the ego’s contempt of this.

 

 

Attaining the illumined mind

Driving

A friend called me and wanted to talk. I had voiced my concern at his way of diverting himself while he was driving: he has a screen with a “slide-show” of photos from his childhood. He told me that his car had a radar that tells it if objects are in its way, it will react appropriately. We talked for a long time, I listened very carefully to him, and also pointed out the places that made me anxious to listen. After having voiced my deep worry several times, and also truly listened to him, something shifted between us. The atmosphere turned more spacious and light, and he explained how he looked at the moving photos on the dashboard to help him stay awake on the long straight drives on the highway. These are stretches where accidents often happen: people fall asleep from the monotony.

I was starting to see the great metaphor of driving our car/our individual self/ through life with our eyes on the road and the traffic around us – paying attention – and how as a writer, I am writing my manuscript with fear or diversions or with kindness and flow. I recognized how often I “fall asleep” – no longer in contact with the landscape and traffic around me, instead looking at images from the past to keep me “interested” in the never ending story of a separate“me” who always need diversion – speeding up – taking chances – adrenaline – so afraid of just being or driving straight ahead. Feel free to drive by me here if this bores you, just give a honk as you pass and we will wave to each other and hopefully smile.

So we talked, and I listened with curiosity to how the both of us, instead of fighting for our perception to be the only valid one, slowly found our places in the driving parallel files – and suddenly he gasped and started to cry.

A big space of compassion opened up around us, and he started to share a story of great fear and control in his childhood, and now seeing that he had a choice to be present in other ways than taking risks on the freeway. The energy shift between us was palpable – all that exhaust and fumes and vrooming from the cars melted and there was only a sunlit load that led right into the Sun itself – or whatever we choose to call that truth where things are really simple.

Thank you all for driving with me

 

 

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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