Everything here is upside down

Secrets

http://www.ted.com/talks/frank_warren_half_a_million_secrets.html

http://www.postsecret.com/

This is water

Is it real?

The Course asks us to remember to not accept any thought that does not come from reality – i.e. God/Truth/Heaven.

In the mind of anyone who has been abused in any way, there are lots of strategy-thoughts belonging to survival-mode – and they all revolve around “me”.

I am these days acutely aware of the survival-strategies that I built up when small – and also aware that they saved my life.

But what it is really about it this: if it is not real – that is, a thought  from Love – I can let it go and not react to it.

As soon as I react, I am part of the energetic vortex of guilt and sin and fear – and then I have identified myself with ego and its thought-system.

It came to me right now, while sharing with Kit by Skype:

It is not real – and it cannot harm the truth of who I am.

I will stick to that, and stay out of discussions

In my defenselessness my safety lies.

Lesson 153

W-pI.153.12. Salvation can be thought of as a game that happy children play. 2 It was designed by One Who loves His children, and Who would replace their fearful toys with joyous games, which teach them that the game of fear is gone. 3 His game instructs in happiness because there is no loser. 4 Everyone who plays must win, and in his winning is the gain to everyone ensured. 5 The game of fear is gladly laid aside, when children come to see the benefits salvation brings.

W-pI.153.13. You who have played that you are lost to hope, abandoned by your Father, left alone in terror in a fearful world made mad by sin and guilt; be happy now. 2 That game is over. 3 Now a quiet time has come, in which we put away the toys of guilt, and lock our quaint and childish thoughts of sin forever from the pure and holy minds of Heaven’s children and the Son of God.

W-pI.153.14. We pause but for a moment more, to play our final, happy game upon this earth. 2 And then we go to take our rightful place where truth abides and games are meaningless. 3 So is the story ended. 4 Let this day bring the last chapter closer to the world, that everyone may learn the tale he reads of terrifying destiny, defeat of all his hopes, his pitiful defense against a vengeance he can not escape, is but his own deluded fantasy. 5 God’s ministers have come to waken him from the dark dreams this story has evoked in his confused, bewildered memory of this distorted tale. 6 God’s Son can smile at last, on learning that it is not true.

Mother-daughter-guilt-games

Dream: I am in an unfathomable big crowd. We are all going home. We come to a place where before us is a black vertical rugged topography – it seems that millions has slid down here and quite probably perished at the bottom. It’s about 11 – 12 feet, moist, slicker. I see some persons slid down there, and it seems to be a narrow crack at the bottom, filled with water – and people disappear down there, although that is an impossible physical act.

I am arm in arm with my mother, who died from ALS almost 40 years ago. She slides down and disappears  in the crevice. I can hear her voice, muffled under water – she is deadly frightened – “help my mom!” I cry out, and somebody is willing and slides down to her. Suddenly I am down there too, and take her hand that sticks up from the water – and easily drag her up into safety.

As awake,I have several insights now:

I have been playing out her guilt in my childhood – that’s why she turned away when I was gang raped as 4 years old. And I turned away from her when I gave birth to my daughter: I did not see her and talk to her for 4 years until she died from ALS. I have a clear connection to her soul now – how she blames herself and holds on to tremendous guilt. And while she talks a great clarity comes to me, and I speak to her and say:

All that has happened has happened in a dream – and it was never real. The way to awaken now is to notice when pain is here and acknowledge it, and at the same time watch it with Jesus – with Love. We – humanity- have created this dream to atone for guilt – and we created this world with bodies to fly into. God is not inside this dream – He is outside it. At Home. If God had created this reality, He would be insane. He isn’t – you know He isn’t .

My mother agrees. I feel it very clearly in the mind: we simply connect. Beautiful release in both.

For a long while I see my mother take notes while I speak. “Acknowledge that God could never have created this mess. It is my/your dream – I am willing to wake up, have my perception corrected – I am willing to put all my beliefs on God’s altar. I am willing to see the truth about What I am instead of the illusion I think I have made.”

I see my mom jumping up and down in joy: she gets it.

The chronic pain in my lungs has to do with energy I subconsciously took from you to control you in some  subtle way – to punish you fro sure, to have “a hold” on you – a cord. I forgive myself for these choices. I forgive each and every role we played out together to keep this insane dream-scenario. I am willing to let them all go. Holy Spirit, I am allowing you to heal all of this now.

The pain in the solar plexus now is so strong that I will end this and go and SIT with it. WITH Love.

The three mothers

ODE TO THE GREAT MOTHER

I’ve had three teachers
My Indian Guru
Life and the Great Mother
The first transmitted me the Light
Through life I was painfully confronted with myself
While the Great Mother took everything I gained

How wonderful were those ten years of bliss
Roaming around like a child
Innocent, carefree and foolish
The world being paradise once again
Wandering around though never leaving Home
Everything continuously smiling at me

How painful therefore being pulled back
In what was forgotten for a long time
That other part of me: the common self
Unaware of the work still to be done
I tried to survive in the world
Suffering setback after setback

As I saw only “winners” all over the place
Everything was constantly taken from me
First my family, then my home, land and work
Once again my children, then success and a future
My ability to function, my credibility, my money
And finally my health and some friends

Never ending confrontations with myself
With everything rejected, denied and suppressed
Drove me crazy, brought me to utter despair
My Self-identity once so gloriously present
Broken to pieces, covered with a layer of mud
Not knowing where life would lead me

How lucky I eventually was
After I thought it was all behind me that
Life confronted me with the greatest crisis ever
Which put me with my back against the wall
In utter helplessness
I surrendered to the Unknown

Without samsara no purification
No liberation from identification either
On the Path suffering appears to be crucial
Peeling off the layers hiding the pearl
Bringing you to the Ultimate Reality
Emptiness Itself

While you are striving for Enlightenment
I have come from It
Identification with the goal prevents you from enjoying
As you climb the mountain with much effort
I met you walking down the road
In your ambition you didn’t even see Me

There is Nothing to achieve
Only relaxing in What You Are Already
To open yourself like a flower in the morning sun
Trusting the wondrous “laws of the Universe”
Getting in touch with the Space in and around you
Restoring the Wholeness of Life

Beyond Enlightenment and Death
The Real Treasure resides
It is the Womb, the Abyss of the universe
How compassionate She was to me
Breaking me down until Nothing was left
Hence I called Her the Great Mother

At the end of suffering the Origin appears
It is the meaning of all destruction and loss
Rather than trying to “save all beings”
You should let it happen
In order to discover what is Behind
To die and being reborn is where IT is all about

Your burn out is a rebirth
This is the meaning of a culture that is dying
Emptiness doesn’t tolerate too much accumulation
Both inner and outer things will be broken down
It is the goodness of the Mother to take
All ignorance, self-centeredness and ugliness back

How dear are all those to me who suffer
They are Mother’s chosen ones
How pitiful on the other hand the many who are
Trying to escape missing the wondrous gifts of samsara
On the other hand surrender to the Mother
In Her Vacuum the Light is born

If you think you have achieved you missed
Her NonReality is beyond all realization
Praise the miraculous Womb of the universe
And your rebirth will be ever lasting
And me? Being Nothing I am determined by everything
She set me free in order to become a prisoner

How poor my compassion when it really matters
Mainly concerned with preconditions
I constantly fail to respond when it is needed
Deep regret about so much lost chances
I return to the Mother who takes the sadness from me
Reminding me of my place in Her plan

The key paradox is this
Only by giving yourself up you will be saved
It is the Mother’s invitation
Her compassion wants to bring you back Home
She has been waiting for you for so many kalpas
So don’t disappoint Her

May all those who have heard the call
Whose passion is to restore the Wholeness of Life
Messengers from the ten directions
Come together practicing Unity in diversity
In this most desperate of times
Leading mankind to its Original Heritage

2003 Han Marie Stiekema

Poem source: adishakti.org

A cry for love

This night’s darkness took T I M E  – I often forget to see it as a call for love, I just process it as good as my ego can – but that only makes it seem real, it seems -

afterwards, it is clearly seen that it is not personal – it is just something moving up to be received and forgiven

And in that process, I find that these days, music is such a help.

Here is Max Richter: The twins

Embrace

Releasing on Skype with Caren

It becomes more and more simple: terrified “parts” are being embraced – allowed to feel the terror for as long as they need to – one part is terrified of a “demon” – the “demon-part” is allowed to sit in my other arm for as long as it wants to, and is shown to be just a terrified child too, under the demon-form -

All that is ever needed

is embracing from Presence

Open letter

Dear Mickey

You and I have very similar patterns of hurt from childhood. The drama going on on the Real Life – thread on Writers’ Forum is mirroring the constant agony going on in the mind of anyone having been abused and betrayed. Following the thread a little while – and also having read many of your posts on different Forums – has brought this old agony to the surface in my mind. Which is a blessing, really – now it can be dealt with and brought to Love.

As long as I did not do that, but identified with the hurt child and the drama of innocent and guilty at the Real Life thread, I became ill – just as the starter of the thread. This lasted until this night, when I prayed deeply for help.

I heard: What would Love have done?

So I got out of bed – 3 am -and listened to Love and wrote it down. Slept on it,and asked for a sign to post it or not.My yogi teabag for breakfast read: “Don’t let anyone fall.”

 

What would Love have done?

Love would recognize primal fear and paranoia and embrace it. Just sitting with it, letting it be, noticing the stories but not getting caught in them.

As long as one positions oneself as one of the seemingly  separate players in that old guilt-slinging game of attack and defense     = war  – one is in the  conditioned mind, ruled by fear, and is unavailable to the Love that is always here. It is always here because it is our very nature.

Dear Mickey. Your comment to my book was written from this clarity and Love. I felt blessed reading it. I then read your blog and recognized the wisdom it was written with. But you have also – as have we all  – this hurt, unhealed, agonized inner child. And when you express yourself FROM this role, he calls on this agonized child in all the others.

These children can not agree on anything. But Love can embrace all of them. They can not be aware of Love’s Presence as long as they identify with the hurtful victim-role. The ego’s favorite game is” who is right and who is wrong – who is innocent and who is guilty and attacker.” And when we do play that age old trance- game and look at each other as separate players, – these hells  of fear and guilt-slinging open and suck us in. When push comes to shove, this atmosphere feels so familiar. It is. We grew up in it.

When we are willing to rise about that level, and ask for help, we see only terrified children trying to believe that they are have done nothing wrong, are not guilty. But deep down the children DO believe they are guilty – they have been told so by their abusers.

Dear Mickey. You have done nothing wrong. And the ones who reacted to your post have their right to react just as crazy and scared as they do. The conditioned mind, which thinks it is separate from Love, jumps at any invitation to play its favorite mind of “me” and “them.” Guilty or innocent. Right or wrong. There is an immense powerful addictive quality for the abused ones in that game:  the inner child identifies these feelings as its HOME. Nothing feeds the ego thought system as playing this game.

But the ego is nothing else than a thought of separation. When we are drawn into its thought system of fear and projection, we enter the world of war. In war there are clear separate parts: they each defend their belief that they need to win to have space and peace. When Love looks at war, It sees confused mind fighting itself. It also sees that the possibility exists that one sees “the enemy” as a construct – and instead recognizes a brother in pain, who is only crying out for love.

 

You have in so many threads at Writers’ Forum shown yourself as a true master. You have also shown the terrified guilt ridden little boy who screams to all of us: I am innocent.

We are all innocent. Fear takes hold of us and we act out of old patterns of intense terror .And then we really cannot see and know each other. The only thing that is happening is a bunch of shit-scared children who cannot see the truth in each other because they are caught in their old stories, and seeing through distorted filters they established when they were small.

The filters are still in action as long as we have not integrated our childhood pain. The filters were placed there by adults who themselves had been demonstrated these filters and brought them on to their children. They all do the best they can, with the cards they have been dealt. See this, and be free.

There are only two forces here: Love and fear. Love must be actively chosen. When we do, we can take the position as Love – or Presence – which embraces all that agony, just by lovingly being with it.

That’s the only way out of the nightmare.