The teachings are so exquisite lined up for me. Not so pleasurable in the middle of it though-
At the writer-forum, I made a decision that spurred an unbelievable chaos and confusion, and which was judged by many – and also supported by others, who messaged me: “I am with you to the end.” I used the toxic comments to see how they mirrored toxic beliefs in the mind – one about “passive aggression” struck a chord :) I sure have judged my aggression – I saw that I had even connected it to being killed, if I let it out. I decided that enough is enough – I would much rather be straight and real than “nice.” Making that decision gave a felt sense of peace and smiles.
In the night, listening to John Mark Stroud’s “deepenings” of The Way of Mastery, lesson 11 a, Jeshua talked about the importance of finding the roots of our affliction, and I prayed to find the roots to the chaos, fear and toxicity I was experiencing. I was taken down to a decision to want to be punished for “my” guilt – it felt like I carried the world’s guilt on my shoulders, and it felt very convincing. I was shown that I had created a dark being to scare me and “punish” me – and was helped to see that this was my creation – so it was mine to uncreate. Not Leelah-mine – it was created by the One Mind behind time and space as a way to separate from God, to truly explore all the feelings that were a consequence of that decision. ” Do you still value exploring them?” asked Love, and no. I truly don’t. It felt like I had found the root of it, and allowed it to be uprooted.
There was also a clear insight of the unreality of this “me” – this Leelah. These feelings and experiences do not belong to personalities or “separate” beings – they come through us to be played out, to be experienced, and ultimately, to be released.We are not limited bodies, we are the Loving Space the bodies float in.
Just sharing this here brings a delicate release and joy
I then had a dream where a powerful wizard like man with a disgusting way of sexual innuendo made passes, and my anger erupted like a fire storm. I woke up, and decided I want to be real and not hide it behind nice: I now know who I am, and Who loves me and supports me – and that They come when I call on them.
And then Love gave me this hilarious sign and symbol on the bus-station:
This is a doggy bag. In pretty pink. It’s not inside the littler box, but on top of it – right in front of me, not to be overlooked. And there’s a big hole in it: the shit is out now:)
No more inside pink sweetness
I giggled all the way to town