Looking beyond appearences

Yesterday a dear friend and I played out a scenario where I was traversing a landscape with a sign ” Private land. No admittance”. Jesus was there, he told me not to rush, and told me that I always was . Yup. We were sitting down and he was putting his arms around me, I was leaning into his arms and feeling the love from his heart radiating into my heart through my back. At some point, I was turning around, and I projected a scary mask on his face. Jesus told me through my friend that there was nothing I could do that would change how he was.

In the afternoon, I was hanging out in a Coffee shop called “The Fragrance of the Heart”, and a young drunk man with a mask – yes -started to tell me that that mask was called a vendetta-mask - a mask for revenge. “If you disrespect me, I disrespect you.” He slurred for a while about how fair and just  this was, I just listened and hm’ed and did not argue.

He went out, and then came in again – now with the mask attached to his back head. This time he just went to the counter and asked the waiters something and immediately left.

This morning, someone at an Acim-group posted this advice to me ( the bold is mine:)

Think of any upsetting emotion as an ALIEN that has momentarily snuck in and taken over your life.  Do not tolerate it.  And do not interact with it.  When you are centered in Love, then lower vibrations like fear, anger, sadness, and depression can not touch you.  And all you have to do is just recognize these aliens in order  to make them go away! So if you start to feel angry or upset, etc.,  just watch/observe/catch it before you react, so you can then recognize it is NOT you.  As Gary Renard says often, “don’t make it real.”  These thoughts are not You.

When you step above the battleground, aligned in Love, these alien thoughts cannot enter through you. The action of connecting your mind with Love and Light is SO DAMN POWERFUL that all lower vibrations will automatically disappear when they try to enter into you. They don’t have a chance because you are bathed in Light (which dispels darkness).

 And the same thing goes for when SOMEONE ELSE is expressing alien thoughts (like fear, anger, sickness, shame, guilt, etc).  Recognize that you are looking at aliens and do not respond to them.  Rather look beyond their appearances with spirit, and see straight through the aliens into the wholeness of your brother’s mind, to a place where you can see/feel the connection between you and your brother. The light and love of that action will dissolve the aliens.

And suddenly I GET IT. I shall not deal with the mask: I shall just look behind it.

How many times I have read  and heard this, I don’t know – but now it is very clear :)

I met my daughter at the coffee-shop, we were later going to a movie together: “Still Life.” I wanted to watch it for the 2.time – one of the most exquisite movies I have ever seen. The last time I sat in this Coffee-shop, an old friend from 30 years back turned up at the table next to us. We thought this was a strange and a great coincidence, and agreed to see each other soon.

When I tried to make an appointment a couple of days later, she had too much to do – too stressed out, too rushed…

So now my daughter I and sat down in the Cinema – and my old friend with husband turn up sitting next to us!

We enjoyed the movie together, and again said we were going to meet and pick up the thread.

The next day – today – I am sitting contemplating these synchronicities. I put on an episode of my favorite series – ” Northern Exposure.” One of the main figures – “Chris in the morning” has  a beard exactly like the Vendetta-figure. Hmm.

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Chris is out in the woods and declines shooting a big Buck, and is awarded by finding a bottle with Buck whiskey on his desk – and the day after, he finds big bucks – a 50 dollar note – in the wood.

In his office a friend of his is camping. He has left other friends who gave him a place to live for some days after his own home had burn-damages.Chris shares his encounters with the buck, and his friends tells him it is all bullshit. Chris suggests that his friend left his other friends’ hospitality because he felt he lost control, and that it scared the hell out of him.

The camper – Maurice Minnifield – returns to his burned house the next day, to find that most of his rare orchids have died. Above all, he grieves that his special orchid that he has cultivated and named after himself – has not made it. Gone.

Nest morning he announces on the radio in Chris’ office that orchids are delicate precious beings – they need care and gentleness. They need somebody to take care of them, now that Minnifield’s  greenhouse for them has been damaged…and then:”no” he says – “I need you. I need you to take care of my precious orchids for me until my  greenhouse has been restored.”

And here, dear readers, is what I need to see:

Meeting Jesus’ love means no control at all for the ego/Leelah-identity

 

Chris returns to the woods with is beloved Winchester gun. He leaves a bag of corn to the buck, and slides and loses the gun in the lake

 

 

 

Regained innocence

The fear of receiving

In my last post  I wrote about my old neighbor yelling “Murderer” at me when I told her it is better to accept help where she lives than being sent to an institution.

I have prayed for insight in how this mirrors a place in me that thinks it is murdered when it received help = Light, Love.

First answer was the insight that my left eye -“the feminine part” – simply will not receive sunlight: all forms dissolve in a mesh. As soon as I block the light with my hand, I see just fine.

So I went into the right brain which governs the left side of the body, searching for the non-accepting part, and found it right away. It told me it is hopeless to heal this, and I listen and offer a hug.

Then I remember another sign I have received since I asked: our main newspaper offer a special discount-card to its subscribers for cultural events. I have tried via both Internet and phone to the paper to get this card. The helpful person told me that they had no idea why my cellphone-link to the paper did not work. Aha- cell phone – the automatic answer via Internet said the same: it was not accepted. And lately my cellphone just turns itself off – which is not possible – and it has to be reloaded about 5 times as often, just lying there.

So this is all about some cells in my right brain that somehow have received the command to not receive nourishment, love, light, God – but it’s perfectly fine to give all this to others.It also gives me a clear message: you need to just SIT my friend, and upload your batteries. Sit AS Christ, as your new practice. You need do nothing but SIT.

The fear of this belongs to the innermost essence of the false savior-archetype, Bird *- who takes its identity from being the helper in all ways possible and impossible – and so it must follow that it is terrified of receiving.

I hear that, and have lately, following lesson 9 in John Mark Stroud’s deepening of the Way of Mastery - Jeshua’s channellings to Jayem. His -Jeshua’s – latest suggestion to us is to sit 5 minutes each day AS the Christ. Not with, as. It has astonishingly strong effect on me and my body and my cells – and I think the late “outer” experiences are phenomenal metaphors for this old archetypal resistance to Love and receiving that our old brain is holding.

So I decided that today I am going to town, to the Newspaper, to get my card physically J When I write this, I hear a relieved “Oh thank God” from my brain, and the lower back starts hurting instead LOL

The pain can move how much it wants – it still can’t stop the eternal flow of Love that is my essence – but I CAN hold it, tenderly, listening to its story and forgiving myself for believing that this ever was valuable to believe was valuable :)

* Please see “When fear comes home to Love”-book. You can read more about this book here

 

Miracles

I recently an encounter with my neighbor – ca 85 years old.She vehemently refuses to receive assistance from health care, and is very frail – just does everything herself/alone. So I was there and tried to explain how preferable it would be to accept care in her home, instead in an institution – and this were when she screamed that I was dangerous and a murderer and GO! GO! and I went

I have thought myself to be a murderer when I was a bout 6 years old- really nasty traumas – and so I could use this and forgive. But the story just grew and grew, including the paranoia – she told me that she would tell all our neighbor how terrible i was – THAT was part of an old story too.
A Course friend gave me a session, which helped a bit – but the old stories became stronger and stronger, and just one hour ago I sat bawling and felt my feelings and gave them up and asked to see the truth.

I saw that these feelings of guilt were collective. I was willing to not take it personal – I sat with it, with this decision, and in that precise moment the doorbell rang.

It was my kind neighbor Ian who told me my old neighbor had went to the mall yesterday and fallen, and been taken to the hospital. My neighbors wife had just visited her, and she(the old one) asked her to give me a ton of thanks and greetings

That’s when i knew the old story was healed

Just writing this feels like standing in a shower

Now I can with a full heart – being absolutely certain – give up the old story: it is all been forgiven and released

The loving Heart

I have great respect for the work I have done the last 26 years in this life – and the strength in the archetypes that I have written about in “When fear comes home to Love” ( you may click on book in right menu to find out more.) The most common complaint this Leelah has, is this: “Whatever I do and experience of healing and realizations obviously are not enough to remove this all-powerful energy field, manifesting as huge pains everywhere and depression. And let’s not forget hatred and hopelessness and desperation. HOPELESS.”

Still, I have trotted along – most frequently remembering to trust the process.

The – shall I call it “madness”? returned with full power this morning. I sat down with it, asked for help, and suddenly the voices of Love were all there was.

“You know what this is: it is the old Leelah-child-identity. What hurts so much is your belief that you you ARE it – still. And the only way for you to give up this belief is for you to allow her to express whatever she wants – in your voice, out loud:) and just listen. Repeat back when needed. The more you experience that you ARE the big heart that holds is all, it will be impossible for the old energy-identity to claim that it is you.

Your one and only problem is your belief that you think you ARE this agony when you feel this agony. You know this too – right?

And each time you wake up – or lay sleepless the whole night – with these agony fields – is a shining possibility to turn TO it and thus claim your divine identity as Christ.

The Christ in you (all) has already healed everything. We remind you of that, again and again: you but see what has already happened. Be aware of this when your inner girl’s agony screams out to be heard: allow the feelings to rise – and now, safely anchored in the Christ consciousness that is your birthright. All It does, is to bless – and not judge. If you hear judgments, that is the little girl too – forgive them all, remember you are listening to an old tape from human consciousness that is healed the moment you listen without judgment.”

I went downstairs and opened my journal. This sketch lay on the page I opened. It is just a blob of colors on a paper-palette – and I noticed that I had made a figure and a story of out that blog years ago.

Here is “The Loving Heart” – or angel – holding the red bleeding wound/child/ close to the one Heart that we all share.

And more than anything, this is a God-sent sign that I CAN – and CHOOSE to – trust the process. When pain and depression comes,  my job is to turn toward it and love it: knowing I AM that LOVE.

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Puppet on a String

Welcome everybody! Take a seat. You too, father, I want you to sit down. This is not your group, you are not leading it.

Everyone: the task today is to notice your judgments about what is going to happen here – and see if you can let them go. If not, just notice that you want to keep it.

Yes, it is dark in here. No father, you really has nothing to say in here. And Ian – I will not have you lecture me on all I do wrong.

Out of the blue, a vast storm of meanness and vicious rancid lecturing, invectives and sewer language spews out of me. And then, my judgments: Ohmygod now you all see what a klutz I am, I can’t even find adult words, no control, no control at all how utterly pitiful…

Then the evening show starts:

On the wall, behind Father’s Chair, stage lights are appearing under the roof. A small girl – just a toddler – is suspended by a line and a hook that is slided from left to right. She is also bumped up and down, like in a mini-bungee – jumping as she slides toward the end of the line

This can’t be right? She’s just a little girl – where are the theater workers who set this up? No – where is the cruel director? How can they treat a small child like that?

Sit still, group, I will take care of it

“I am right here below you – if you fall, I will catch you “

Without a word she lets me know that she will proceed to the end of the line.

Her costume is cream and white – so delicate – she is one I love with all of me. As she is jumped from left to right, she becomes older – at the end of the line she is about 13 – and I watch her suddenly freeze to ice. There is no child present now – just frozen terror in a child’s form.

I loosen the hook and take her in my arms. I look her gently in the eyes, and gradually she comes back into the body and says, dreamingly “It is so strange how I suddenly became terrified.”

“You forgot that you were just a character in a play” I tell her, and we sit down in Fathers Chair. “You thought you were this girl on a string.”

“Is it over now? “ she asks.

“I have you now” I say. “You are my little girl, you know.”

My father’s face darkens. He looks away, and black puke violently pours from him. I remind the group to watch their judgments and let them go. Let it be. Let the black vomit come out. Let him purge himself.

It is shame. We all know it is. We have all been there. Eons of black asphalt dung shame. Its acidity erodes a hole in the floor, and he disappears down into it.

Or does he? There is a young man standing where The Father stood. An easel with a large canvas is before him, and he start to paint with precise strokes. He knows his excellence as painter.

We see:

Heaven. Vast and calm ocean, not even a slight ripple, mirrors the sky.Horizon almost invisible. Small white rowboat with two persons: father and daughter. Silently fishing on the big ocean of awareness

Off the Cliff

This moment in time -17th of August =3:28am -I realize that I do not any longer need to  – and want to – find the specific reasons for my sleeplessness,aches and pains. The ego has had a ball with this idea: the challenge of finding the specific thoughts that create the specific pain or fear in the nervous system it so intellectually satisfying – when I have found the cause, the symptoms most often disappear – which gives the ego a great boost.

I don’t need to  leaf through all these variations of fear any longer – through all incarnations – oh vey is mir – I have dutifully looked for them

I see that it is completely unnecessary

Big fear:” Being a detective gave you control. Now you have no control any longer.”

No: All appearances are the same – they have already been healed eons ago, you are ever only reviewing what has already happened.

An earlier chronic pain in the throat -gone for years – appears.

NO: I don’t allow this pattern any longer. I am not willing to listen to this fear and control voice any longer. I do not value it any longer.

Enough

How sweet: this enough comes from a vastly deeper level that the former ones

I see an inner image: it is a graphic print  I love of a person standing before a mirror – and it is called “the Dreamer”. I have another print by the same artist: an angel stands on the end of a cliff. It looks down, there is a white bird floating there – and the angel just stands there, frozen – in lack of trust of its wings

I just jumped

Who is jumping is who is receiving the jumper – softly gently welcoming her home

*

After this, a dream: I have lost the key to my last apartment before this house where I live now. This is where I lived with my husband before we separated – my life as Wife. I still pay rent for that apartment – I must get my belongings -

No – I have left it. There is no rent to pay

Miracle

Recently did a lot of traveling on trains, and practiced seeing the people that I came in contact with as Christ.

I discovered this thought as miraculous – again and again: “Holy Son of God, give me your blessing.”

A German family of 4 was settling in with me. A couple in their late thirties, with one little guy about 1,5 ,and an older brother, maybe 10-12. The mother looked paranoid, did not greet me, mumbled that these seats were impossible, they could NOT drive here. She looked like on the brink of falling apart.

The toddler was placed right across me, and started to kick my shin methodically and hard. It was easy to see that it was just nervous energy, but it hurt anyway so I asked kindly (while seething inside) if they could maybe move him. They looked like I spoke from a foreign planet.

Then I remembered: They are only mirroring what I have judged in my mind. A sweet calm came, and I heard myself thinking: “ Holy Son of God, give me your blessing” – becoming aware of their true nature.

It took maybe ½ a minute. Then the children stood up, the father removed the little hyperactive one and smiled at me. The mother stood up and walked to a window, her body radiated peace and great joy. She turned and looked at us – and me – and her smile came from Home. I sensed something old melting – the old paranoia maybe? And from that moment I thought this prayer, the 5 of us danced a perfectly choreographed dance: we were danced with. It was amazing to witness its beauty and the order of it.

My second seatpartner was a Japanese businesswoman with a travel-PC. She did not look at me, was frowning and busy, and outside the train was the most marvelous landscape. I prayed the same prayer. A seat beside us became free, she brought her PC over there, let her hair down, closed the PC and started to look out the window. What was so sweet was the feeling of connection between us – as we were really siblings and had known each other for always. We often looked across the aisle at the other and just smiled.

After coming home and having slept here 2 nights now, I wake up in the morning and notice the old familiar depression and gloom -and then, after just one second, it feels like a curtain is drawn away, and there is a field of calm and tremendous eternal JOY present.

Connection

First, to Misha: you replied to a post recently and told me “maybe e it’s time to start again” on your own blog and process.

Your comment is the ONLY ONE where I haven’t been able to delete the red sign, meaning it has been read and accepted.

By you:)

*

This day we start on week 21 in the 6 months certification program as Teachers of  God. Recently I have had my printer participating as a teacher – i get messages that the connection between PC and Printer has been broken. Recently I used one hour with a PS-specialist to find the error, nothing worked. Then alone, I found a power in me not being willing to be subjected to this nonsense from the ego: I see the connection PC and Printer  symbolizing  mind and manifestation.

This night was horrible -I am going to a 50-year party this evening and am not so happy with many people. I was starting to feel very sick, and caught myself serving excuses to the hosts – and told myself NO, I have made a commitment  to be there as a lightbringer – a Teacher of God. I do not have to preach, just being willing to see everyone as my Holy Brother, maybe caught up in the individual stories – but I am called to BE there as Truth – WITH Christ.

So now I am going on a little holiday – and wanted to print out this week’s class from Lisa. The PC told me the connection was broken again. There was about 2 seconds “Oh nooo not again” and then, no more of that nonsense. I want this connection to be working, I want these class-notes with me on the train to read and savor, no doubt about it.

And the printer delivered at once.

He walks with me. I have taken his hand. I take the steps in trust and faith.I declare my willingness and hold my center: everyone I meet is a Holy Encounter and i will remember it.

And I found this picture on facebook – and here am I, under water in lots of whirls  and above me, over water, is Christ, reaching out his hand

It has been taken :)

Take My hand

Take My hand

The Nice Girl

Dream: I have a client who is boundless manipulative. I sense this only energetically: there is nothing “wrong” with what she says, but all she does not say -everything going on under the surface of subliminal signs and signals.

I am possessed by an enormous rage I only experience in dreams. I hiss like a wild cat and grab her and scream “get out of my house!” Her body is strangely pliable, like rubber – I recognize this as a sign of the demonic, who’s very essence is MADE of our repressing and judging our feelings, needs and expressions.*

I wake up after the third screaming sequence – her expression is mean and threatening and she lets me know this will have consequences.

THANK YOU Holy Spirit for this dream! It does not take many minutes to recognize how I am the manipulating girl: it was a survival mechanism for my first 20 years. Now Grace has showed me the very make-up of it – very thorough work, this

Gradually I go deeper as H.S. is looking with me. There are layers:

First the terror at the abuse and insanity

Then, when I understand there will be no protection from this – and no comfort, no acknowledgment of what happens – I fall into a mode of survival: pleasing. I am “The Sweet Helpful Girl. “

Next time you meet a pleaser and cringe, be grateful instead – the cringe means that you have the same energetic pattern ingrained in your mind and nervous system, and now you can offer it up for correction and forgive it.

All of that sweet pleasing is covering up pure murderous rage – which has to be completely denied for both child and parents and siblings for the charade to continue. And since the hatred cannot be directed outward, it turns back on US.

The stage is set for grand manipulation.

No wonder we get sicknesses – being under such tremendous unconscious attack all the time. No wonder cancer could manifest inside this body that mirrored a mind that harbored so much self-hatred.

It is wonderfully releasing to realize this pattern – at last FEEL it as energy. As long as I unconsciously judge and repress this energy within me, it cannot be forgiven and released. And it will be mirrored back to me from outside, by people who pour their blame on me. That happens rarely to me these days, which is a nice sign

As I write this, I yawn and fart and tears comes, muscles twitch, more releasing

The manipulating girl in the dream – who comes for “therapy” to me – is of course me. I see her now, giggling – she has my face, which is proper. There is freedom and light in the image now

Her threat was real: it WOULD have had dire consequences for my health and well-being to allow this old pattern to wreak havoc any longer.

The beauty is: three times in my life -in my thirties – has people said that they feel something manipulative in me. That was done in a group therapy, and was always immediately denied by other participants who comforted me and told me not to mind these screwed up people.

No: they were absolutely sane, and honest, and brave to say this and then be attacked by the group. Their accusation was acutely felt – and I believe that if I never had been pointed to this, I may have overlooked it.

Thanks to Grace who always is thorough. When I offer my willingness to look, she really opens it up

*

More about this in  my book “When  fear comes home to Love” on this blog – and also ways to dissolve these  deeply unconscious demonic structures in our mind and nervous system.

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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