Hole in the Shitbag

The  teachings are so exquisite lined up for me. Not so pleasurable in the middle of it though-

At the writer-forum, I made a decision that spurred an unbelievable chaos and  confusion, and which was judged by many – and also supported by others, who messaged me: “I am with you to the end.” I used the toxic comments to see how they mirrored toxic beliefs in the mind – one about “passive aggression” struck a chord :) I sure have judged my aggression – I saw that I had  even connected it to being killed, if I let it out. I decided that enough is enough – I would much rather be straight and real than “nice.” Making that decision gave a felt sense of peace and smiles.

In the night, listening to John Mark Stroud’s “deepenings” of The Way of Mastery, lesson 11 a, Jeshua talked about the importance of finding the roots of our affliction, and I prayed to find the roots to the chaos, fear and toxicity I was experiencing. I was taken down to a decision to want to be punished for “my” guilt – it felt like I carried the world’s guilt on my shoulders, and it felt very convincing. I was shown that I had created a dark being to scare me and “punish” me – and was helped to see that this was my creation – so it was mine to uncreate. Not Leelah-mine – it was created by the One Mind behind time and space as a way to separate from God, to truly explore all the feelings that were a consequence of that decision. ” Do you still value exploring them?” asked Love, and no. I truly don’t. It felt like I had found the root of it, and allowed it to be uprooted.

There was also a clear insight of the unreality of this “me” – this Leelah. These feelings and experiences do not belong to personalities or “separate” beings – they come through us to be played out, to be experienced, and ultimately, to be released.We are not limited bodies, we are the Loving Space the bodies float in.

Just sharing this here brings a delicate release and joy

I then had a dream where a powerful wizard like man with a disgusting way of sexual innuendo made passes, and my anger erupted like a fire storm. I woke up, and decided I want to be real and not hide it behind nice: I now know who I am, and Who loves me and supports me – and that They come when I call on them.

And then Love gave me this hilarious sign and symbol on the bus-station:

The shit is out of the pretty-bag

This is a doggy bag. In pretty pink. It’s not inside the littler box, but on top of it – right in front of me, not to be overlooked. And there’s a big hole in it: the shit is out now:)

No more inside  pink sweetness

I giggled all the way to town

The decision to choose is mine

Morning in bed

There it is: the unmistakably sensations of evil in my mind. A split second “oh no not again” – then crystal clear: “And it has nothing to do with me.”

Now there are two fields to observe: a good one and a bad one

And there is The Big Embracing One, Who says, “Come Home children, the day is over, you have played and now it is time to rest. Come home darlings.”

I recognize that all the time “I” am drawn into reading about war and terror and head chopping and abuse – it is “the bad one’s” choice.

I have truly identified with it throughout incarnations: everything I resist, has to do with “me” = the separated identity – and so I have told myself that it has value and is real and must be protected in my mind

I am lying in bed and truly exploring if this IS valuable to keep

“What you see are appearances only. Behind the appearances are souls who ask you to see the Christ in them instead. Remember – it is only your own projected images you see. They belong to the world –  a place where good and evil can play out and be experienced- and as you just wrote above, after the play comes the rest – and also the choice to play WITH God instead of on your own.”

From my window I look down on a playground. Right now, there is a father standing there, looking at his two little children in a slide. His bodily position exudes boredom and irritation and separation from play – he signals “ I don’t know who I am in this setting.”

I bless him and embrace him/this projected part of me/ and sense great love doing it. He goes over to the slide and slowly start interacting with them. His position is not so rigid any longer. I realize that anybody reading it may well think I have gone mad, thinking that my choice for love can influence the world around me – and that I am just making all this up. You are of course free to believe or not believe anything I write – please feel free to dismiss anything that does not resonate with your heart. I am just sharing how my world changes when I DO accept teachings like A Course in Miracles – this is what this blog is about.

Looking up again at the father and his children now:

They are running! Oh my – they are running in the grass and laughing

I feel so very very happy















The Christ Smile

I do not do anything – Christ does it through me

Yesterday, both bus drivers were volatile and very out of balance. “Leave this bus, he is not safe” said the ego, and I considered it until I recognized that if God is with me, then I am safe. And He is – how could He not be –  He is what I Am. So I stated my intention to see him in his truth, and remembered my truth – I am the light of the world, and I am here to shine that light. Just like you, bus-driver – the only difference is that you have momentarily forgotten – oh yes, that time-aspect

I sense this terrible fear and pressure he is driven by -and his natural misperception that he is what he is feeling. I remind myself that his misperception is my misperception, and forgive myself.

He now has started to smile to the oncoming passengers, and still drive erratically – stopping about 20 meter beyond each bus stop. Oh what a pressure, what a drive this is. Well – now I have given this over to God, and I relax- and still must admit I breathe relieved  when I exit the bus.

The bus driver on my bus home is one I really like. This is the time of day where high-school teenagers swarm the bus after school has ended, and the bus is already very full. When the bus stops outside the school, he stands up ( I sit 2 meters away from him) turns toward the people in the bus and screams ” go back! Retreat!” No movement, and he yells, terror shining in his eyes “GO BACK! PLEASE!” I realize that  this is a fear that I am projecting ON him. I feel great warmth inside as I realize that this is just a projection, all is well, and I find myself being smiled with. Christ is smiling me. I intend for him to look at me in his mirror. He does, and the smile hits him right in his Christ and he returns the smile.

From that moment and until I exit 15 minutes later, that smile stays on his face. He talks calmly to the next horde of teenagers on the next stop outside their school and tell them that it is not safe to take more passengers on. They nod and accept,just as calmly.

It is a miracle of beauty to witness Christ enlivening him. His movements, his face, his radiance. He calls and ask for replacement, he is taking care of himself.

This Christ-smile is ours to give – as soon as I accept that we are worthy of it


For lyrics, please google Uhrlicht lyrics – you’ll find both German and English translation


After watching “Woyzech” last evening at the theater, I took the bus home. At one station what seemed like 20 very drunk teenagers with beer boxes in their hands came on – they were very loud

I saw an old friend in a seat on the other side of the isle and moved over to her.We reminisced about an occasion where it was bitterly cold and lots of snow, and we both were pregnant in the 5th month. We were at a different bus-stop, and a very drunk man feel in love with us and shoved stacks of cash at us because we have helped him up from the snow he was laying in, almost unconscious, and called a taxi for him. We were two very good girls and put his money back into his pockets.

Now – here we were again, some 35 years later, together on a bus with drunken people.

They started to get very very loud, drank openly, and I started to feel afraid they would vomit on me. My friend’s husband reprimanded them loudly, and I sensed a bad atmosphere right around the corner. I remembered Who I was and blessed the bus and the kids with Christ’s blessing.

In less than one minute the atmosphere changed. My friend and I commented on how pretty they all looked, and how sweet they were, like puppies – 8 of them had now bundled together in a heap in the four-seat place. There was a lot of fondly hugging and kissing on cheeks and hugging and dumping down on each other’s laps – all the social borders had vanished, and the natural love overflowed. Some of them started to hum and recite poems, and one of them hushed at some others who were a bit loud.

There was a big HEART that we all floated in. Liz and I sensed it, we smiled to the kids, they smiled to us. Only Liz’ husband looked angry the whole trip – but he did not reprimand anyone anymore.











Looking beyond appearences

Yesterday a dear friend and I played out a scenario where I was traversing a landscape with a sign ” Private land. No admittance”. Jesus was there, he told me not to rush, and told me that I always was . Yup. We were sitting down and he was putting his arms around me, I was leaning into his arms and feeling the love from his heart radiating into my heart through my back. At some point, I was turning around, and I projected a scary mask on his face. Jesus told me through my friend that there was nothing I could do that would change how he was.

In the afternoon, I was hanging out in a Coffee shop called “The Fragrance of the Heart”, and a young drunk man with a mask – yes -started to tell me that that mask was called a vendetta-mask - a mask for revenge. “If you disrespect me, I disrespect you.” He slurred for a while about how fair and just  this was, I just listened and hm’ed and did not argue.

He went out, and then came in again – now with the mask attached to his back head. This time he just went to the counter and asked the waiters something and immediately left.

This morning, someone at an Acim-group posted this advice to me ( the bold is mine:)

Think of any upsetting emotion as an ALIEN that has momentarily snuck in and taken over your life.  Do not tolerate it.  And do not interact with it.  When you are centered in Love, then lower vibrations like fear, anger, sadness, and depression can not touch you.  And all you have to do is just recognize these aliens in order  to make them go away! So if you start to feel angry or upset, etc.,  just watch/observe/catch it before you react, so you can then recognize it is NOT you.  As Gary Renard says often, “don’t make it real.”  These thoughts are not You.

When you step above the battleground, aligned in Love, these alien thoughts cannot enter through you. The action of connecting your mind with Love and Light is SO DAMN POWERFUL that all lower vibrations will automatically disappear when they try to enter into you. They don’t have a chance because you are bathed in Light (which dispels darkness).

 And the same thing goes for when SOMEONE ELSE is expressing alien thoughts (like fear, anger, sickness, shame, guilt, etc).  Recognize that you are looking at aliens and do not respond to them.  Rather look beyond their appearances with spirit, and see straight through the aliens into the wholeness of your brother’s mind, to a place where you can see/feel the connection between you and your brother. The light and love of that action will dissolve the aliens.

And suddenly I GET IT. I shall not deal with the mask: I shall just look behind it.

How many times I have read  and heard this, I don’t know – but now it is very clear :)

I met my daughter at the coffee-shop, we were later going to a movie together: “Still Life.” I wanted to watch it for the 2.time – one of the most exquisite movies I have ever seen. The last time I sat in this Coffee-shop, an old friend from 30 years back turned up at the table next to us. We thought this was a strange and a great coincidence, and agreed to see each other soon.

When I tried to make an appointment a couple of days later, she had too much to do – too stressed out, too rushed…

So now my daughter I and sat down in the Cinema – and my old friend with husband turn up sitting next to us!

We enjoyed the movie together, and again said we were going to meet and pick up the thread.

The next day – today – I am sitting contemplating these synchronicities. I put on an episode of my favorite series – ” Northern Exposure.” One of the main figures – “Chris in the morning” has  a beard exactly like the Vendetta-figure. Hmm.


Chris is out in the woods and declines shooting a big Buck, and is awarded by finding a bottle with Buck whiskey on his desk – and the day after, he finds big bucks – a 50 dollar note – in the wood.

In his office a friend of his is camping. He has left other friends who gave him a place to live for some days after his own home had burn-damages.Chris shares his encounters with the buck, and his friends tells him it is all bullshit. Chris suggests that his friend left his other friends’ hospitality because he felt he lost control, and that it scared the hell out of him.

The camper – Maurice Minnifield – returns to his burned house the next day, to find that most of his rare orchids have died. Above all, he grieves that his special orchid that he has cultivated and named after himself – has not made it. Gone.

Nest morning he announces on the radio in Chris’ office that orchids are delicate precious beings – they need care and gentleness. They need somebody to take care of them, now that Minnifield’s  greenhouse for them has been damaged…and then:”no” he says – “I need you. I need you to take care of my precious orchids for me until my  greenhouse has been restored.”

And here, dear readers, is what I need to see:

Meeting Jesus’ love means no control at all for the ego/Leelah-identity


Chris returns to the woods with is beloved Winchester gun. He leaves a bag of corn to the buck, and slides and loses the gun in the lake




Regained innocence

The fear of receiving

In my last post  I wrote about my old neighbor yelling “Murderer” at me when I told her it is better to accept help where she lives than being sent to an institution.

I have prayed for insight in how this mirrors a place in me that thinks it is murdered when it received help = Light, Love.

First answer was the insight that my left eye -“the feminine part” – simply will not receive sunlight: all forms dissolve in a mesh. As soon as I block the light with my hand, I see just fine.

So I went into the right brain which governs the left side of the body, searching for the non-accepting part, and found it right away. It told me it is hopeless to heal this, and I listen and offer a hug.

Then I remember another sign I have received since I asked: our main newspaper offer a special discount-card to its subscribers for cultural events. I have tried via both Internet and phone to the paper to get this card. The helpful person told me that they had no idea why my cellphone-link to the paper did not work. Aha- cell phone – the automatic answer via Internet said the same: it was not accepted. And lately my cellphone just turns itself off – which is not possible – and it has to be reloaded about 5 times as often, just lying there.

So this is all about some cells in my right brain that somehow have received the command to not receive nourishment, love, light, God – but it’s perfectly fine to give all this to others.It also gives me a clear message: you need to just SIT my friend, and upload your batteries. Sit AS Christ, as your new practice. You need do nothing but SIT.

The fear of this belongs to the innermost essence of the false savior-archetype, Bird *- who takes its identity from being the helper in all ways possible and impossible – and so it must follow that it is terrified of receiving.

I hear that, and have lately, following lesson 9 in John Mark Stroud’s deepening of the Way of Mastery - Jeshua’s channellings to Jayem. His -Jeshua’s – latest suggestion to us is to sit 5 minutes each day AS the Christ. Not with, as. It has astonishingly strong effect on me and my body and my cells – and I think the late “outer” experiences are phenomenal metaphors for this old archetypal resistance to Love and receiving that our old brain is holding.

So I decided that today I am going to town, to the Newspaper, to get my card physically J When I write this, I hear a relieved “Oh thank God” from my brain, and the lower back starts hurting instead LOL

The pain can move how much it wants – it still can’t stop the eternal flow of Love that is my essence – but I CAN hold it, tenderly, listening to its story and forgiving myself for believing that this ever was valuable to believe was valuable :)

* Please see “When fear comes home to Love”-book. You can read more about this book here



I recently an encounter with my neighbor – ca 85 years old.She vehemently refuses to receive assistance from health care, and is very frail – just does everything herself/alone. So I was there and tried to explain how preferable it would be to accept care in her home, instead in an institution – and this were when she screamed that I was dangerous and a murderer and GO! GO! and I went

I have thought myself to be a murderer when I was a bout 6 years old- really nasty traumas – and so I could use this and forgive. But the story just grew and grew, including the paranoia – she told me that she would tell all our neighbor how terrible i was – THAT was part of an old story too.
A Course friend gave me a session, which helped a bit – but the old stories became stronger and stronger, and just one hour ago I sat bawling and felt my feelings and gave them up and asked to see the truth.

I saw that these feelings of guilt were collective. I was willing to not take it personal – I sat with it, with this decision, and in that precise moment the doorbell rang.

It was my kind neighbor Ian who told me my old neighbor had went to the mall yesterday and fallen, and been taken to the hospital. My neighbors wife had just visited her, and she(the old one) asked her to give me a ton of thanks and greetings

That’s when i knew the old story was healed

Just writing this feels like standing in a shower

Now I can with a full heart – being absolutely certain – give up the old story: it is all been forgiven and released

The loving Heart

I have great respect for the work I have done the last 26 years in this life – and the strength in the archetypes that I have written about in “When fear comes home to Love” ( you may click on book in right menu to find out more.) The most common complaint this Leelah has, is this: “Whatever I do and experience of healing and realizations obviously are not enough to remove this all-powerful energy field, manifesting as huge pains everywhere and depression. And let’s not forget hatred and hopelessness and desperation. HOPELESS.”

Still, I have trotted along – most frequently remembering to trust the process.

The – shall I call it “madness”? returned with full power this morning. I sat down with it, asked for help, and suddenly the voices of Love were all there was.

“You know what this is: it is the old Leelah-child-identity. What hurts so much is your belief that you you ARE it – still. And the only way for you to give up this belief is for you to allow her to express whatever she wants – in your voice, out loud:) and just listen. Repeat back when needed. The more you experience that you ARE the big heart that holds is all, it will be impossible for the old energy-identity to claim that it is you.

Your one and only problem is your belief that you think you ARE this agony when you feel this agony. You know this too – right?

And each time you wake up – or lay sleepless the whole night – with these agony fields – is a shining possibility to turn TO it and thus claim your divine identity as Christ.

The Christ in you (all) has already healed everything. We remind you of that, again and again: you but see what has already happened. Be aware of this when your inner girl’s agony screams out to be heard: allow the feelings to rise – and now, safely anchored in the Christ consciousness that is your birthright. All It does, is to bless – and not judge. If you hear judgments, that is the little girl too – forgive them all, remember you are listening to an old tape from human consciousness that is healed the moment you listen without judgment.”

I went downstairs and opened my journal. This sketch lay on the page I opened. It is just a blob of colors on a paper-palette – and I noticed that I had made a figure and a story of out that blog years ago.

Here is “The Loving Heart” – or angel – holding the red bleeding wound/child/ close to the one Heart that we all share.

And more than anything, this is a God-sent sign that I CAN – and CHOOSE to – trust the process. When pain and depression comes,  my job is to turn toward it and love it: knowing I AM that LOVE.



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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.


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