The Sweet Embrace

Today, beloved Kit and I discovered that all that murderous rage needs – in order to be healed, is someOne who rests in a sweet smile, knowing What is Truth and eternal

The watchdog of our mind is very tired – it now trusts that there is something else who takes over and knows how to deal with it.

The last week I have experienced that whatever dark energy comes up to be released – or related to – also comes within the sweetest embrace of Christ – the Self. So when it comes, I quickly put my attention inside the sweetness. Not “healing” anything – not “saving” anything or anybody – not “sending love” to anything – just resting inside that Sweetness. And what happens then, is that I become aware that I Am That.

The sweetness of not “oughting to DO something” is indescribable.

*

We have to open the door, letting the fresh wind in

and it is not offended -

it just blows

things fall on the floor, are blown around

stuff goes out the window

there is laughter

there goes the costly Ming

PLING

oh, the doilies -

what foilies

 

what is left?

just a smile

 

Shift

Deep realization:

There is a knowing that below the frantic stressful energy, there is a stream of wellbeing, of welcome, embrace. I sense both at the same time.

I am blessed

Next day: this is a shift in patterns.

I awoke with a crazy energy in my bladder and heart. The same old dark energy . and I found myself saying: “get thee behind me, satan!” There was an immediate feeling of release and peace. This scared me – to believe that there is a “satan.” I was shown that “satan” is just a thought, believed in – the thought that I CAN be trapped in this energy and have it be stronger than “me.” Then that becomes my reality. I am using the power that God has given me to create.And if I believe that there is something that is stronger/more powerful than Love and Christ – and try to prove it with being a victim of this dense and trapped energy – that becomes my reality.

Now comes the shift

There is a rock-solid voice inside saying, smiling, “how CAN this be possible!” It is incredulous. “How CAN there be anything more powerful than Christ in you.” I allow myself to feel fully the energetic imprint of this Voice. It is anchoring my two lower chakras – and  for the first time ever, it seems. This body-part is no longer seen as a container for fear: truth abides there. It is plainly ridiculous to believe in a God who can be overpowered by darkness – there is no value at all in that thought.

The shift has happened.

If/when these energies come back, let them – they cannot harm me any longer. I am this rockbottomsolid Presence and Anchor, knowing I am the Source of this – it is coming up to be released – just energy, no stories, no evil-label.

The Christ is seen now: It can not be affected.

However strong the seeming attack, I know Who I am in Christ

Begging at the Bridge

I had a Skype session yesterday with a healer who saw a part of me that felt not worthy and not deserving of all the help I have from angels and guides and masters. I set an intention to find it and I did: I was seeing the image of a Rumanian woman who begs in our little town. There are four “beggars” there – the three others just sit there with their papercups, but this woman stretches her arms out after us, speaks in Rumanian, rubs her fingers together and my stomach crawls. Last time she did it, I indulged in showing her my disgust, turned back at her and frowned, and her face was contorting in disgust at me.

The energetic response in the body was hatred, anger and a huge feeling of toxicity. Now I lay in bed in the morning and felt literally sick to my stomach at the thought of having to pass this woman next time on my way to the Mall – when I heard Blue say the word “ not worthy.”

Ah! Freedom: she is a mirror. She does something I have judged tremendously: beg for help to live, to be seen and acknowledged as somebody who needs help. Completely dependent on peoples’ willingness to give her money – or care.

In this moment, gratitude flows through me: all judgment melts. I take my little inner child in my arms and allow her to scream for help. There is a big need to be seen in her worth - not because of any talents she has, just as she IS. I watch the tremendous meaning I have given to my talents – and the need to feel valuable and worthy by being a “good girl” who sees others as deserving, but who pales at the idea to acknowledge her own God given value.

I speak to the begging woman inside and ask for help to see her innocence. Michael is helping me, asking me to bless her in her true Self. Again I sense the strong waves of disgust and toxicity, the strong self-hatred, and also hatred at the “rich” people around her who seems to hate her – and I so own my own hatred at the people I saw around me who I believed all knew what was happening to me but couldn’t care less because I really was not worth caring about.

At this point, I realized that I was inside an archetype, and the cause of this was a thought in the One Mind that it was a good experiment to separate from God.

No wonder the “no worth” -identity is one of ego’s most cherished corner stones.

I prayed to Holy Spirit to replace my false perception of myself – and the “ beggar” – with His perception: all Love and Loved forever.

Now I see the sweet mirror: the Mall may symbolize abundance and Self . There is a bridge between me and Self – and to truly cross it, I must learn to not judge my response to the two beggars there : there is my classroom. Forgiving the idea of man of no value, and the ego’s contempt of this.

 

 

Attaining the illumined mind

Driving

A friend called me and wanted to talk. I had voiced my concern at his way of diverting himself while he was driving: he has a screen with a “slide-show” of photos from his childhood. He told me that his car had a radar that tells it if objects are in its way, it will react appropriately. We talked for a long time, I listened very carefully to him, and also pointed out the places that made me anxious to listen. After having voiced my deep worry several times, and also truly listened to him, something shifted between us. The atmosphere turned more spacious and light, and he explained how he looked at the moving photos on the dashboard to help him stay awake on the long straight drives on the highway. These are stretches where accidents often happen: people fall asleep from the monotony.

I was starting to see the great metaphor of driving our car/our individual self/ through life with our eyes on the road and the traffic around us – paying attention – and how as a writer, I am writing my manuscript with fear or diversions or with kindness and flow. I recognized how often I “fall asleep” – no longer in contact with the landscape and traffic around me, instead looking at images from the past to keep me “interested” in the never ending story of a separate“me” who always need diversion – speeding up – taking chances – adrenaline – so afraid of just being or driving straight ahead. Feel free to drive by me here if this bores you, just give a honk as you pass and we will wave to each other and hopefully smile.

So we talked, and I listened with curiosity to how the both of us, instead of fighting for our perception to be the only valid one, slowly found our places in the driving parallel files – and suddenly he gasped and started to cry.

A big space of compassion opened up around us, and he started to share a story of great fear and control in his childhood, and now seeing that he had a choice to be present in other ways than taking risks on the freeway. The energy shift between us was palpable – all that exhaust and fumes and vrooming from the cars melted and there was only a sunlit load that led right into the Sun itself – or whatever we choose to call that truth where things are really simple.

Thank you all for driving with me

 

 

The Loving Hand

My old cellphone has refused to be charged the last week. I decided I needed a new one, and bought on. When I came home, its battery was almost empty, so I charged it – and it did not work.

Well – this sounded very much like a teaching: the outer mirroring the inner.

I tried to charge it i n the entrance, the kitchen, the living room – no luck.

Then I sensed a strong urge to go REST and unplug and allow God’s love to charge me.

I laid down in my bed, and felt irritable and bored for a while – and then, something gave way and a sweetness was felt. I was just allowing myself to be receptive of God’s love, stopping to look for results – just committing to laying there for a while.

While I did that, I had put my new phone on charge in the sleeping-room socket.

And it worked -laughing out loud!

So then I tried to charge the old phone too – and when I looked at it one hour later, it was green,fully loaded

So – there was simply just one thing to do: committing to giving myself this rest-time and let the results be what they are.

Going to bed that night, I again renewed my willingness to receive, and felt the warmth in my upper body.

In the night, I was aware of that demi-sleep-state – I knew I was in my bed, and at the same time, I was fully open to the dream state. Then – a presence of Somebody in my bed behind me. A warm hand was gently gently coming closer until it cradled my cheek with such care and tenderness that I completely received it without freaking out

The Enchanted Room

Saturday was all magical.

I visited a dance-performance for toddlers. We entered a white silk Yurt. Seven parents with eight babies about one year old – a happy 3 year old boy – and me. We sat on the floor at the walls of the Yurt, and in our center was a white feathered bird/angel-like girl who with great presence delicately  danced and moved and wordlessly related to the children- and lots of red balloons. She moved with complete presence – delicate slow movements. The babies connected with her and each other.

The dancer played with tiny glass rods in mobiles, their delicate clanking sounds made the babies first look wide eyed and then smiling. At one point, the dancer stepped into what looked like a bird nest of Origami triangles made by many colored silk. She pulled it up – now it looked like a moving pyramid-dress – and then she started to whirl like a dervish.

A strong wind arose in our room, and suddenly all the red balloons lifted and danced

I can’t really share the beauty, poetry and magic about it – but we all felt it and connected on a deep level, and time and space disappeared in pure bliss

At no time – it lasted about 30 minutes – did any baby make a sound – there was one who repeatedly crawled out, was fetched by his mother and at the end was in rapture as the rest

The dancer also played with a big bird-puppet – man-size – became the bird, and played with the babies. At the end, she fell asleep, sitting, and we all tiptoed out not to wake her up

At the door, I asked a smiling lady who had made this wonder of a performance and who had made those amazing props and costumes. “It is me” she beamed – “Oh, are you a theater-person?” I said I was, and started to share about my bliss and gratefulness that some people made creations like this – serving presence, beauty and poetry. I found myself taking her hand and kissing it, she looked at me with tears and gave me a warm hug.

Then a tall beautiful man was standing there – it was her husband, and the composer. We shared about our love for simplicity and presence and poetry, In that moment, my late theater-husband’s spirit was present, I felt his gratitude at the performance and the work – and the husband took a step toward me and embraced me

*

This text  below -in blue – has disappeared two times while writing it. Now I write it for the third time. Thank you God for my determination.

In bed same night, I go into the pelvis again as a teacher has recommended, to find the blocks in the two lower chakras and just BE with them. I find my little Leelah there, and also a huge black snake. She points to it and her eyes are crossed in fear.

I look at it. In a big rush of release and gratitude, I tell her: “Sweetie – it is just a big black balloon!” She instantly becomes present. “Who blew that up?” I asked – she answered dreamingly, “I did – “

“Yes you did honey – and so, the only thing that powers that snake is your own breath and your belief that it has power over you”

She is completely motionless. Gradually her eyes come alive. She looks at me – “I made this up to scare myself and keep myself from doing the bad things all the men told me that I did.”

An awesome smiling Presence is around us. I ask her if she would like to let the air out of that balloon – to allow the fear-image to just … deflate?

She finds something sharp and sticks it into the very tip of the snake. She is not strong enough. I find a sledge and hammer the sharp thing into the rubber – and whhoossh, the punctured snake is catapulted in the air, doing the spastic dance we all know that balloons make when we pull their plug.

It sinks to the ground – a pitiful black rubber skin.

And now we discover the plug – it was there, all the time.

She looks at me right in the eyes now. ” I decided this , Mum. I don’t want to be scared any longer.”

I feel the deep release in my body. Fear has been punctured, seen to be self made.

I see Jesus taking her on his lap, putting his arms around her, and I go to sleep. For the first time in 25 years I have a good night’s sleep: I meet my father in our shared Christed Self, all stories have fallen away – punctured. I notice that next to our house there is a large enclosed area: a beautiful church is there. Its energy reminds me of Corfe Castle in Dorset

*

Before I fall into deep restful sleep, it dawns on me that that white Yurt is such a great image and symbol of a healed root-chakra: the parents and the babies, held and nurtured, bathing in the safety of the white yurt, with playful red balloons and a birdlike messenger from Heaven

 

Sunday  October 12

The Drowning

Sunday, in the morning, I dosed off, and when I awoke, the old agony was there. As usual. I heard “get up” and I would not listen: I was utterly convinced that only sleep could make it better. I was wrong

Sitting with the little Child in the morning, again going into my pelvis and the two lower chakras, I saw an image of a child bursting up from deep down in the sea, gasping for air – oh my God, the agonized feeling in the morning is just Child’s constant companion – “I am drowning – I am going under – and nobody cares.”

I talk to her – reminding her that I am with her in this. After a while, a feeling of death arises – a place where nothing moves or lives, desolated, isolated . At first, I sense irritation – and then, seeped in Grace, it is clear that this is the outskirts of Loneliness – the deepest feeling in the specter of separation.

I feel a surge of release and gratefulness: we have found the outskirts of it, now is the time to dive in.

And we dive.

It is intensely visceral. First the nothingness – the stifled never -voiced cries for help – the hopelessness – the toxic ice needles throughout the body – the fear of being suffocated by violent men’s too big penises – the girl realizes that she does not die, since she is aware of it all – she is what can not die – at this point everything flows easy, and no more dissociation.She hears:

What do you want?

I don’t want this!

SAY IT AGAIN

And there is her voice and her will -!

I – adult Leelah – sense it with all my body: this is my will and I mean it.

Now comes the hatred and rage, like a volcano from her: “I want to shove this penis down God’s throat so he experiences what he wanted me to experience.” Her language is crystal clear, her hatred and violence as well – as well as the details. The venom pours out, all the thoughts and images are just experienced and allowed = forgiven – and suddenly we sense that there is  radiant clear light around us

Like awakening from a nightmare.

I knew about this hatred and fear of God intellectually – the Course really drives that in  – but this was experience. Now I test-drove my new racing car!

She tells me that she needs to rest now, and Jesus sits down with her and they are playing a game with glass pearls.

Thank you Holy Spirit for the clear demonstration that the hatred and violence comes from one false thought in the mind: that God is a cruel God who sees us as sinful and guilty and subjects his children to unnameable cruelness and punishment.

The victim and perpetrator are forever two sides of the same coin: the belief in separation – and separation is happening each moment I believe that I am anything else than the Light and Love He has created me to be.

This Light of Awareness is Who I Am

 

Creating without ego

At the movies

Jesus is telling me to go watch a movie. It is playing in the early afternoon, it is a small auditorium with 7 rows.

The movie is about a young man with a painful relationship to a distant father, and he has decided to hike in the mountains in the weekend to think about what he wants to do with his relationship with his wife and son, whom he himself is distant to.

I am sitting in the far back in the movie-theater, reading a magazine before the movie starts, when I notice that suddenly a man sits in front of me. I did not notice him coming in at all. he is just there – like popped up from nothingness.

The nervous system immediately goes into alarm.Here is what I have feared so many times – alone in a movie-theater with a strange man who  may attack and rape me.

Simultaneously with these thoughts, I hear faintly Jesus reminding me that these are stories, why not choose to remain, and instead of spinning out the old familiar disaster stories, just make a silent decree:” You are a child of God. I am a child of God. I declare that there has never been anything between us that Christed Love.”

My heart calms down and  I decide to stay.

We hear the main role’s thoughts as voice-over all through the movie:  the stories he spins out and believes in. We also see him masturbate twice- nothing left to imagination – and the second time  he masturbates to a porn-clip on his IPhone. Very graphic images and sounds.

I am watching this together with a man I have never seen ,we are alone in a room. There is definitely terror going on inside – and at the same time, the impulse to not run.

The man is completely silent, makes not a move during the whole movie.

When the final texts come up, I swift as a lightening collect my clothes and walk fast out of the room, without looking at him.

It is in the middle of the night the same day that I hear Jesus:

“I placed him there. -This is the sign that your old fantasies have been forgiven and healed, my love. He was just sitting still the whole time, in peace. Not behind you, controlling you. Not beside you, pesting you. Not turning around, checking you out. Just RIGHT in front of you – a step lower that you: YOU were in control.”

There are rushes of light pouring into me and through. I am done with these stories.

Thank you, Holy Spirit

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

game. set. match.

leelotchka44:

Adding this beauty to Miriam Louisa’s post. Liv Ullman uses it in her last movie. Miss Julie - go watch!

 

 

 

Originally posted on echoes from emptiness:

match. set. game. Photo: Shutterstock

One of the most prevalent and persistent myths swirling around the concept of awakening, is that those who have been obliterated by the irreversible EUREKA are instantly and henceforth rendered exempt from all the trials of the flesh that plague “the unenlightened”.

The mind loves to employ this fantasy to critique even the sagest of sages. (“How could someone like a Krishnamurti or a Ramana become a victim of cancer?”) But more sneakily, it turns its scorn upon one’s own delicate understanding.

It loves to hold up one’s (so-called) unattractive qualities – one’s addictions, physical ailments and emotional irruptions as proof that one hasn’t understood anything of import. Really.

What sport it is to watch and listen to this chattering, taunting, would-be bully. For a while you return the volleys. But it doesn’t take long to realise it’s a game without end and you grow bored – you know the score already.

So you serve your Ace straight…

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Please note that nothing written here is intended as medical advice. Readers who think that they need help with a physical or psychological condition are advised to seek a qualified opinion.

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