New guest post from Nichola
I have corrected the “god” to God: the God we give our stuff to needs to be all powerful and all loving, and not “a” god at all
This will be a little back to front. I had a session with Leelah on Friday in which I was very surprised to see the Madonna emerge, floating above the sea. I have some very old and deep scorn for the image of the Madonna. I think it has to do with some scary nuns and my mother. I had a Madonna figurine, though, I remember, by my bedside when I was younger and I loved it. The image became tainted for me, that is all. Anyway when I came to write about that session all I could see were the nuns and an old school desk and I was angry and felt that I must refuse to write the blog about it. Until now, some days later when the anger towards the nuns, or whatever it was, is dropped.
Leelah was telling me: Look out for the thought “you should feel different than you feel,”because I was feeling bad that my MS symptoms were returning. They had been retreating for a couple of weeks before.
The bad feeling felt like a rock in the middle of my stomach, dragging me down. When I allowed it that is when the Madonna emerged.
Leelah says: What does she want to tell you? and I tell Leelah that she says: You can be like a child in your innocence – you don’t have to take care of anything – I will take care of it.
Leelah sounds happy: Give all the shit to Mary… she says
Leelah says something next that I have been using all week: What I am feeling is sickness and pain that is leaving–I can just be with what is leaving while it is leaving…..
…And sometimes I can’t just do it….and ask for help
This has helped me every time I feel these things since then, and another thing she says: If it is not loving, it is not the Holy Spirit. Which has been useful when I hear myself with some criticism.
I am worried about taking this new diagnosis of MS on as a new identity
Leelah advises me to talk to Maria: I believe that I am MS and I give this belief to you…I am willing to be wrong about it….and I allow you to choose God for me now in this situation
It feels wonderful to have this sentence.
Sickness is a way of the ego separating from god and attacking itself – belief in separation means that I believe God and love are outside, and me separated and then I can attack myself .
Leelah’s part I didn’t write at the time and now it has been some days – but I remember that she is cold and covers herself in a red shawl that feels better. She has anger – is banging her fists on the table tired of carrying all the shit for men – she feels it in her arms
I feel a bit dazed as we are closing and feel it is like a golden light, so we finish by sitting in a golden light and I am smiling and smiling