This night the cramps were unbelievable – and what helped was strongly denying the truth of the thought “there CAN be darkness that can hurt me”. The thought was recognized as false, and the cramps abated gradually.
This morning they were back, and I sat down with them. An insight came: the origin of this came from the womb. I “saw” the fetus in the womb where there were strong tensions and subconscious intense fear from the mother – I “saw” the baby/”me” screaming a lot -and my father’s intense anger at these signs of needs and pain. I forgave myself for dreaming this, i forgave the father and the mother and whatever baggage they carried with them that manifested as tremendous defense against expressions of pain and need – and the impressions they had got which they now transferred and projected on the new baby – maybe the first “law” I accepted as true:
“There is something WRONG WITH being in pain. One should be painfree and needfree = perfect.”
I forgave the beliefs and asked H.S to come into my mind and heal what I have made. I also sat with that”repressed” baby, blessed it and experienced it crying in relief. Tensions abated.
I realize that there is so much inside my mind that simply is terrified to relax – because that would mean that it would be open to to these terrible tensions that have been repressed. So I decide that when these old tensions/cramps come up in this NOW, I will deny that their psychological origin/cause is real – but I WILL acknowledge that as long as it seems to be present, my forgiveness will both acknowledge that I have made this, and I am willing to be wrong about it – and also accept as much as possible the cramps themselves – realizing that this is coming up to be released, it is on its way “out” so to say.
And “The origin comes from the womb” may of course be read as ” the origin of these pains comes from believing the Tiny Mad Idea of believing in the possibility of separation from Source.
And it needs presence – and patience with my self.
This is the way that seems the most loving.
And today’s fun: I am following a great blog – Living Europe and suddenly saw how their descriptions of these hidden/unknown landscapes are exact metaphors of the explorations we do of our inner world and its landscapes:
There are some places which need to be visited discreetly, on tiptoe, and there are some communities who have always struggled to jealously safeguard their identity, especially when it’s the result of centuries of unique cultural merging. These are not sites every tourist can reach. But, if you are passionate travelers who are moved by curiosity and respect for diversity, this tiny village may be the perfect next landmark in your journey.